Cock 'n Bull Stories
Please sip me slowly with great care and responsibility
'That is, unless you would like to ride the OLD CROW EXPRESS, If you ride the EXPRESS away from home... Make SURE ye have a sobre driver to safely return ye, including delivering ye to your frunt door and likely to a garage or basement berth prepared for you...
'Make sure ye have spent years in regular, disciplined training with our basic product...... before ye try The Express!!
'Oh no! Please don't mow my mind again....For every'evil' weed you remove, you remove another 5% of my IDRNTITY... InciDENTALLY, if any you is a dentist....What % of my brain and identitties still Romains?
RATT: Out of Walt's cellar?
Walt, shaking his head: 'It's been a while...since I last saw his face again.... It's so covered with hair! He's cheap and a nice dude...but it's been a while since I last saw him!'
Walt, sitting in his easy chair, is voraciously reading the latest daily-magazine-issue of the Skunkville Cock&Bull Litteratty Jurnhole See Lurid Literati Photo P.17 when the sweet innocent bosomy young lady whose frilly blouse has been torn open by a teeming army of drooling, grasping, clawed, sharp-toothed, ravenous for soft supple female arch-demons, who cry: 'We Must Squeeeeziem & put our disapproving hellish hot brand on Her Overly Bouncy, Healthy, Disgussetly Innocent, Rippling, Wet-Lipped Beauty -- as it arouses us to do evil and puts A Spoct licht On Our Lazy, Flabby, Jiggling Ugliness & Revolting Bad Breath & Hairy/Greasy/Noxious-Smelling Armpitz & Earpitz & Nozepitz to shame-ooo!!!... If only the shark were here right now to devour her before our bulging, bugging, stiff-as-a-board eyes'.... But All A-Board, to quickly & Brut-ully make this Class A-Broad a ClassZZZ-Hagglehole-Witch!!!
Fortunately, for all of handsome hordes of sympathetic, normal/healthy-sex-attitude males (and FEMALES toodle-hoo!!), we also see hope in this lurid picture, as Sir Landscapealot, after stopping to anoint another tuft of dried grass with his ironically rejuvenating enviro-friendly relief-filled gushing 'yellow-watering'.... is approaching grunting hemanly as he shoves a growling/roaring/gaping/monstrous 50-foot-wide marine-devised evil-horde total-elimination/decimation/slice:dice:wharehouse liquification-mower; something almose anyone might benefit from having.... Can all the evil gremlins who if caught & knocked out serve as enuff to feed the local lo-cal slender lovely virgins (well, we don't know about that v-gin part for sure...but they look plenty clean-cut to us, no stiff, matted, ratty, public hair rag-shagging down to their knees to induce suspicion about their propriety, or the healthy, clean state of their 'intimate property' .... Such hag-bag long-shags when found enny moore, usually among heavy older females who are the wives of those who would endanger the beauteous virgins for their own amusement and to the disadvantage of the pure beauties' safety & health, unlike the state of the less-self-nurturing 'hag-bags' whom, like we already said usually have allowed their shaggy, knotted 'groin hair' to grow all the way down to their ankles or perhaps to even drag along the ground....often causing them to end up 'wound-up' around bushes-not-their-own or scrub trees or in thickets that latch on like a free loader to every knot and snag-patch in their mobile thicket in time that shy teen ladyette-in-house-training Bozzoomo's rare, overflowing (her halter, anyway) natural resources can be preserved for wholesome current & future generations to admire and learn the meaning of inspirational contemplation & wood working & the art of avoiding tangles/knots/FrenchBuns/etc. and the relaxing of stiffness in the midsection and the hair fibers themselves by simple, healthy,pieceful, rythmical jismycal knot-busting exercises and the power to wavily and independently control every hair on one's boudy so as to make them flow freely and untangled in the fresh breeze....or even the staler more humid breeze of a big wxt fxrt....
Returning to those who claim to be disgusted and offended by the beauty of a naked female or U.S. maleman without a consealing envelopian tube...But the same hypocrits are not nearly as concerned about the desparate need for Degree Evil/Horny-Rimmed-Monster Perspiration Control and erector-set protection of otherboddy zoneuses from being asssailed, sending them floating backerds...... According to noble Chief Wenipo's suggestion that A BLIND ONE'S EYES > SEE NO EVIL GUARANTEED.....keep your mace (Medieval Army Crushingclub (TO SMASH) Enemies'.... Heads (thought>0), Chests (breathing>0), Hands (weapon-handling skill >0)& Feet (speed>0), Privates (Motivation/Gusto>minus 3) feets...)
But for protection of your devilish mental eye, which can enable one's BRANIAC to see things even when blindfoldled ... Chief Wenipo Team Brain Surgeon Buzzsaw BirdCall specializes in Guaranteed Quick/Complete/3-Minute Head Removals for people who don't want to take a chance being enticed by the wailing Sirens of Tightanic Horniness & Desperate IMMEDIATE NEED for love ....
Another procedure the Chief considers mandenturatory for deviants who are eating or otherwise cruelly harming people to sate their devilish hungers incited by battle is a battlefield-wide concentratored of SUPER-RETCH....which gives enemy soldiers experiencing cannonbalistic hunger attacks INTENSE WORLD-SPINNING NAUSEA MIXED WITH A FEELING of being so gorged with huge amounts of food that you can hardly breathe, and are too fat to wqalk without falling REAL HARD ....Horrendous stomach maladIES which ARE so piggish or even Ratt ('Out of the Cellar')-ish that devouring of even one short extrin-thin pretzel-stick , say, is so disgusting that the dying sufferer may barf until every one of his internal organs are eventually sitting in a pile beneath his wretching wretched gash of once wuz a mouth!!
The dilapoutdated chair's one dangling remaining arm-rest cupholder feebly clinging to Walt's half-cup q steaming, teeming with protein, also a delicious cup of fat-loaded Offaltene, a 'rip-off', repulsive looking(OMG!)/smelling(OY VEY!)/tasting (URK!>GAG!!) sound-alike product completely different from genuine, revered for decades upon dacades. if not centuries and eons OVALTINE in terms of ingredients and taste and healthiness that even many Nuns Sense is nun-the-less delicious and an honorable drink at least for many laymen .... Always choco-lately as well as always choco-before, wholesome and healthy. Yes, readers, let's stop right now and have a Standing Ovation for Ovaltine, which the Ozzie, Harriett, David, and Ricky Nelson used to enjoy during their constantly award-grabbing TV show of the 1950's....one that I'm sure all of you will remember clearly as an important foundation of not only your sense of humor, but your sense of what family goodness wuz, and may have been as important as Ovaltine itself in building you into the finer person you are today, all things considered....especially if we give each of ourselves forgiveness for the little infidelities, the gambling mistakes, the harmful but neck-saving lies, the occasionally semi-crooked to full-crooked business deals....Or the flask of DIRTY OLD CORNCROW or the book, HOW TO COMPLETELY AVOID REALITY and ITS CONKPLICATIONS or the like that we may sometimes have stashed as our spiritual and moral guide in our purses, pocketbooks, briefcases, or lmy have loaned recently to Jym Baggs.
Edna, dusting off her blouse, and then asking Walt to take off his torso cover for a proper dusting off Walt's shirted shoulder, raising a yellowish cloud of decomposing daindruff dust that has both of our friends choking for a bit: 'What's the faded print on this thin old shirt read?... I can't quite catch it....'
Walt: ''Check Out My Nipples '36' 'Gee! I didn't know that appreciation of this fine, poigntyeteyegrabbing detail of feminine beauty was even mentionababble aboot males back in 1936!'
Edna, nodding as she tweaks his hairy left one for fun as well as out of curiosity...'Maybe not the kind of pints or quarts mentionable but in the stinky, heathen men's locker room, but -- perceived on a woman -- certainly always a couple of pints or quarts that might stick all day in a shy, chaste man's drooling, chops-licking mind....!'
'Yeah! Walt adds... Perhaps stimulating fantasies to be mined further when safely under the privacy or piracy of his cubbers at bedtime!'
Edna, moving dangerously close to Walt: 'Hey, would you mind mining for one of mine mines maybe a little later..., after we've digested our cherry pie?'
An exuberated Walt, using one of his old human helicopter wrestling holds, grabs Edna by the side and spins her like a propeller, her feet touching passing 'Noontime' and '6 O' Cluck' repeatedly ....
As the action proceeds, she squeals 'Put me down, you crazed spinster spinneroo!' ,at which point he softly lands her on the couch, now far too nausealated to do any real 'making out'.....
But, still woozy as a floozy from her ride, Edna still manages to straighten out her blouse like a lady, carefully placing certain items back in their appropriate hangars.... Walt, watching with bugging beady unsavary eyes, comments...'Thy left cup just runneth over.... Let me be of assis---'
'Back off Boobaloo,' she warns, knocking him back with a short, quick, sharp, effective forearm. 'Play Time Farm is now over for today...... and the rest of the week AND munth for that matter!!'
'Awww.... Butd ett only lested a few secants.... You're starving my poor, drooling lombag-o...or is ut moin lum-beadyeye-o?!'
'Well, I'm sorry, dear... But you always go way too far right from the opening gun.....Becoming so carried away that I werry Corner Coroner Cory Corolla will need to hurry over and cart you away for good grief!
'Adding to yer devil-may-care approach is always your tendensey to go at one or sometimes SEVERAL steps farther than 'nice' into clearly naughty and raunchy and then pornograpplick!!! When will you ever lurn to be a gentleman and pay attention to the clear I=daggerlike> Stop! Signs in mine squinted eyes? You know a woman's pleasure is in gradual, gentle, soft sensations...'
Walt, reconsidering her theory (Thinking: 'I know the rough & tumble hard corps maneuvers that woman REALLY LIKE despite what they say.... but maybe,,,,,): 'I have an idea.... Let's repeat the sequence of actions and see if I can better meet your object-ives on each.....maybe one at a s l o-m o time?!?'
Edna (checking her calendar watch) 'Maybe we'll give that an ultra-slow shake -- along with you -- next year some time at our next surprise surprise impromptu panting groping mini-moment...Until then..... I'll check both of my datebooks for a nice not-to-distant opening for you and your ever-raging, abnormal primal hungers! Until then, this is Edna saying goodnight to our late readlers and have a great day! to our dawn and mornung readlers!'