SKUNKVILLE SAGA

Kirkus reviewers compare Skunkville to work of James Joyce; total readership visits at all placements including Delphi ~ 200,000 reader visits

Fictional snapshots of the lives of iconic residents in a nondescript American town. This blog novel currently has close to 2 MILLION words served up as ~1,400 nail-biting quick-reading episodes, the 2,000,000 words more than any known, easily-obtainable novel . KIRKUS REVIEWS (see review on Kirkus site) compares SKUNKVILLE to the works of literary giants James Joyce, Thomas Pynchon, and John Barth. Has attracted 94,000 reader visits to date just on this site, plus a similar amount of readership on other sites.

Aug-21

CrabMart Arises from the Ashes edit

CrabMart, where Crabs are the specialty, but all other kinds if goods from groceries to crabbing gear to machine gears to childrens' bikes & trikes to books on how to transform your crabby temperament into a cheerful one, to automobile, truck, and tractor tires and lawn statues like lawn jockeys are also on hand to marijuana-like but non-high-producing smoking weeds are sold (yet, since the brain of a pothead is geared to translate pot-like-smelling stuff into highness even if it's only.....
Black dot through which some visitors claim, by staring at it for 'too long', they were able to reach Mars -- which they left quickly due to its inhospitalability and their own incontinence to get back to good ole gold metal winning planet earth...where they now firmly plan to stay all their lives, a la the DEVO classic song 'Planet Earth... A place to spend your life!'!
Site of recent Pant Tents Expo in Skunkville
Guy: 'Hey... don't yell at me! Rather, beware of that crab that circling you,,,planning his next painful-assed bite!
Edna, shrieking and pointing at the Backstereet Building, Skunkville's loftiest skytickler: 'OMG, Walt, LOOK!! Crabula, from the Crab Nebula, is climbing and now humping the Backstereet Building... He must think it's a another giant crab monster liken himselvets!!!
'The era of man is over... Crabs rule post-apocalypso
Calypso to male reader: 'Would you like to calypso with me?'
Walt: 'Edna, look!! The Crab Nebula now has extended its pincers around Maple Ave., Skunkville, earth, our solar system and most of the rest of our local Galactus neighbors... Our time is running out fast.... The pincers could make earth contact in just 10 lightyears, however long they are!!'
Galactus: 'Look, why ask me? I'm only a realistic-looking Galactus collectible, albeit only a ,mighty 11 inches tall....If I were you, I wouold just party whilest ye still Cannes Festival!!!!'

Walt as he somewhat nervously but seemingly thoroughly studies the screen on his high-powered (12 Guaranteed Fresh 'n Lively Crab-Mart batteries providing the crab juice for the PC's souped-up soupposed heroic computational capabiliteases) Crab-Mart PC, Crab-Mart the new competitor putting the painful pinch on other establenched  Skunkville retailors like Buzzwald's, Cutthroat's, and Midget's Low Price Mini-Galleria...Crab-Mart clawing its way out of nowhere, using a German pincer-like placement strategy to store locational placement with 18 full-size stores in a matter of months as all Skunkville's remaining farms that were within city limits are now, sadly (to me at least, and I know to my friends Walt & Edna asswell)  gone asswell.....Though thou mayest still find memorabilia liketh an O-ring thrown from a balky tractor engine on the sidewalk near the places where the now ghostly farms (still hanging in there in people's mamories, where they may survive another generation, but slowly fading all the time, like your favorite teameth in a pennant raceth).  

Walt squinting as the image on the PC 'window' keeps wavering and wobbling, folding back into itself until it just becomes becomes a not-so-becoming single black dot. perhaps containing all of the information in the universe yet cornered and collared by man... Then making Walt jump when it suddenly explodes out to its complex, busy, all-parts-moving full-size 4-D mindtwirling image, Walt's chair clattering backwards on the Brown's oleonoleum kitsch hen florall....the new message on the screen wildly self- and cross-morphing in the space above Walt's prone, quivering boddy until it finally settles down enough for the werds  'WHY I GRABBED MY CRAPPER AT CRABMART!'.... to be cognizable against the chaotic background of all information ever accumulated and dry cleaned by manno a manno.  Whitch in turn multidimensionally, including color spectrum location, sound pitch, texture (Walt feeling the touch screen but then knocked backwards by a bolt of what seems like unholy insight) as the holograph of ALL KNOWLEDGE  flips itself over and over again before  reshrinkling back down to a single dot...then exploding into FOOL SIZE, a universe-spanning dot, seen momentarily by every being in our solar-powered system a moment later.....Then showing a perfusilagely sweating Joe Customer shuvving  a huge Marine Corps Brand terlet & terlet production processor (which elmost instantly turns the terlet's individual 'contrabutions  into useful, clean-smelling or odorless  goods and services)  down the classic Skunkville broken pavement (the world's #1 destination for dangerous broken sidewalk enthusiassholes, who are amazed at how they keep falling and cracking their craniums here at the Skunkville site), with the washer/processor  careening out into the street where it is whacked hard by a city bus on its way to nearby downscale Glunkville, the cheapest place to live in Ohio -- where all pretensions are dropped as you cross the townline -- then next stop for the bus none other than 'Holey Toledo!' and from there to where the bus sched tells you!?!?

''You know, Edna, the $50 we spent to attend that supposedly high-brow, mind-buggering PANTS TENT EXPO was a complete waste of time and money and shoe leather and precious oxygen consumption and patience and standing and underpants gas containment and detoxifying compartment wear and tear and fear....  You know how I always get a bit gassy when my eyes get a bit glassy 'cause what I'm stuck doin' is dunright nasty for someone who says things like 'skip the past-y' -- due to scientists who have 'proven' thet the pasty never  ever really huppened, but is astrategic download/implant from the Agloonians in nearby outerspace -- and the pastries with the l'il 'boobie traps and dimples' (dimples being codeword for 'nipples' in Skunkville, a very stodgy place, where walking around town with a visible boogie hanging frum yer nose might cost you every one of the fairweather friends you have...that is, until someone elset inadvertisantly has  a night-before-abuse  stink bomb fire full blast frum their rectocannon at church, sending other parishioners to their knees or towards the exit dowers and towers, handkerchiefs over their faces (partly to hide their identity... the 'mad bomber' almost certainly one of the especially irate escapees:  'Why the disgusting audacity!  And their heedless, headless  lack of consider rationing!! )...The young mom's sacrificing their own nasal intake quality by ever so gently covering their collicky baby's nose with the only baby handky to protect them from anything foul even if its harmless, the baby handky with a picture of a smiling ex-Mayor Graft on it, the baby-nose-protector and nose-educator expertly snagged from their their handbrag.

Walt, as they leave CrabMart, each toting several plastic bags of unneeded products that they bought on sale.... 'Edna... I worned ye that this CrabMart was not a natural store, but a health & ambience devouring predator that might well devour our lovely town if we don't take the strongest possible measures against it, such as mentioning our concerns to the church congregation during the Coffee Hour...  Aleready, a second and third CrabMart has now been spawned.... One exactly 45 degrees Southwest of Skunville, the other exactly 45 degfrees Southeast of Skunkville.... Each now exactly 10 miles apart to the inchet frum each other!!  Truly, a devilish triangle that entraps 85.3% of our headcount population, and 91.2% of our townspeepholes when weighted by disposable incomepoop!!'

Edna, suddenly feeling as if a small crab is in her throat, tries to cough and gag it out.... But to no avail, as in her wild imagination (Gee, I sure hope it's just her imarginaryan!!) as she feels herself trapped in the pincers of a huge crab, while another crab, many times larger, is beginning to crush the entirety of Skunkville in its pinchers... And this is no friendly pinch, like when Walt 'gooses' her...  This crab-headed goose is wild and evil and not silly at all! 

TOP PRIORITY MATERIAL FOR ALL TRUE AMERICANS, IDENTIFIABLE BY THEIR FRIENDLY OPENNESS, THEIR GENEROSITY, THEIR SELF-EFACING NATURES: PURITANS WHO ARE SO PURE THEY WANT TO PROTECT THE RIGHTS OF EVERY ONE, INCLUDING THE RIGHTS OF ALL AXXHOLES, GRASSHOLES, CRASSHOLES, MORASSHOLES, FOREIGNERS (SEE: DOUBLE VISION, HOT BLOODED), MEANIES, WEENIES, ZUBAKINIS, INTERGALACTIC ALIENS, EVEN ALIENS WITH A LIEN ON THEIR MINI-PORTABLE INFINITE EXPANSION HOMES, CAVEMEN/WOMEN, CRAVEMEN/WOMEN, RAVEMEN/WOMEN, GRAVEMEN/WOMEN, DERANGEABLES, STINKPOTS, HYDROWARRIORS, ANTHEMTHEMS, DIRTBALLS, SQUIRTBALLS, SCUMBALLS, CYMBALLS, THE LIST IS ENDLESS, ENDWORSHIPPERS, ENDOWARHIPPERS, INDOLANCIERS, INYOPANTSIERS, INYUHFACEONS, SKIBDIBBLETRIARS, COUNTRYFRIARS, HELIUMBUYERS, COMBJUICESLICERS, GRAVEYARDPIKERS, LOWERMYPRICEDIKERERS, REGULARDICKERERS, MISTERFIXHITS, MISTERBANANASHxTS, LISTISENDPRAYERS, GARBAGESPRAYERS, HOLYHEYERS, RANDOMBAYERS, COODLYPRAYERS, MORASSWEIGHERS, TOPICSTRAYERS, FULLMOONBRAYERS, HIPHOPPLAYERS, GRAVEYARDCRIERS, GRAVYBUYERS, GROOVYTIRES, GOOFYLYRES, HOUSEAFIRES, MOUSEACRYERS, MOOSEISLOOSERS, COUNTRYGOOSERS, THE LIST IS ENDLESSERS     

 
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