A mind trip unlike any other. The wild adventures of a humble, easy-going couple in a small, nondescript American town, including those of a diverse, ever-changing, weird cast of friends & acquaintances, young and old. This amiably outlandish, often irreverent, R-rated tale RECENTLY PASSED THE 1,000 episode MILESTONE, each of the 1,050+ mini-epics each enjoyable on a stand-alone basis. Just in its three -plus years of existence, at this hard-to-find, off-the-beaten-path site and the even more obscure hard to find Skunkville threads on a few message boards  , the Saga has received many hundreds of thousands of reader visits, with a million visits not remote. Almost inevitably, as Skunkville continues to surge so far in virtual anonymity, it will eventually be 'discovered' by BIG interests and sold to them...AND IN THE PROCESS WILL LIKELY BE DRASTICALLY EDITED/REVISED/CONDENSED, MAKING IT LESS BIZARRE AND UNPREDICTABLE, MUCH MORE 'READER-FRIENDLY' AND 'SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE'. THIS SITE WILL BE GONE AND ALSO MY RIGHTS TO PUBLISH THIS IN ITS PURE, ORIGINAL STATE. Kirkus Reviews says of Skunkville Saga, 'A relentless, bizarre phantasmagoria', 'Few reading experiences match this one', 'Totally unpredictable', 'otherworldly', 'madcap', 'flippant', 'continue(s), endlessly, down a rabbit hole of absurdity....' 'will appeal to.... most adventurous readers' These are hard times for books/novels, yet Skunkville, by redefining and re-engineering the novel from scratch, flourishes on its own tireless, restless, bizarre energy and endless charm...despite lack of any publisher or other backing/funding! judged most similar to Skunkville according to Kirkus critics....both among the greatest novels of all time!
Edna, taking off her Mrs. Clause bonnet and scritching her hare wi' vigger: 'O my, Santer...This swiltering bonnett will be th deeth of me. Mr. Prod-us-sir, kin me liten and kul me hed fer a m'munt if yer doan mined?'
Porducer, loudilly thru his meggyphone: ''Grenny..Git thet het bek on yer het if'n ye kno whutz guud fer ye!'
Sweltering Santa/Walt: 'Ye kno Edner... I herd TV wuz lick thiz...My temperCheer wints 'bov 101 jess from me outfet. let aloney the litts... I bet itz arund 106 1/2 dungarees ret noo.'
Edner: 'What kinda a Santa Clawz acksent is thet yer tryin to eexactucute? It rally stenks reel bad!!!''
Porducer, loudilly thru his meggyphone: ''Grenny..I culdnt agreet wid yu merr: Wultz Santa Clawz jacksent rally stenks reel bad!!!''
Santer/Wult: 'But wize weez all tilkin lick idjuts? Whuts yer plant hurr??'
Porducer, loudilly thru his meggyphone: ''Wult..I culdnt agreet wid yu merr: Letz stupp th' dialerkt ret nuw!!'
Edner: 'Oh my, what a relief... I felt as if I were going insane...'
Santer/Wult: 'Well, for my purt, I was enjoyin' it quiyte a bet!'
Perducer: 'Well, I think this whole thing sxcks to high hivin....You two both sxcks to high hivin, whoever write-in this sxcks to high hivin, and I doan wan no perts of it enny mor.'
Edner, shaking her head in confusion: 'Yit yer stills dwan it: I doon waent no perts of et enney moor...'
Preducster: 'Thets nut exerctally wet aye sid, ladey!!'
Just at this moment, the no-ninsense $backer$ urrives: 'Whut kinda a shxtenyermuthtilkisthet?? Let's make this a professional, serious production, without the heavy, affected diallylogs!!'
Producer: 'Right-O bissman, I'm gladdy yer 'rived!'
Edner: 'Yer still talkin like ye hav shet en yer mout! Just a warning, not a criticism. I doan wanta nice boy like you t'get in truBBle, with a capital B!!'
More thrilling, realistic, inside-view backstage action to cum sune,,,mebbe eben an eddition onto thess eppysode!
'Why dadblast it, Edna... You have just been so difficult with me lately!' Walt comments with hostility as he struts towards the bathroom to retrieve his copy of The Daily Telegraph, a British publication popular in London, and read around the world in sophisticated circles.
'OMG! Edna!!! It's fallen into the toilet... And I forgot to flush! What a horrid mess... I've never seen -- or smelt -- anything quite this bad before! What am I to do? Call the plumber? The potter? The police?'
Edna continues her sewing work for the needy, not altering her pace one bit: 'That kind of talk speaks to the degree with which you have led a pampered, selfish life!'
Walt staggers out of the powder room, holding onto the walls of their Skunkville home, in a daze: 'OMG!! Now not only do I have the world's biggest mess to face alone, with no one by my side for support, but now you are accusing me of utter vileness and worthlessness!'
Edna, sewing on, a small smile cracking her beautiful face: 'As these American's cry: 'Yay!!' You got my message for once!'
At this moment. there is a polite rapping on their door, and Walt staggers unevenly towards the door, more traumatized than he can ever remember being in his admittedly sheltered, pampered, protected life...'Yes, what are you delivering, man?' He says when he opens the door and sees trillionaire Don Del Phillippe Forumszynski, humble but extremely wealthy communications genius.
Don Del: 'I couldn't help but hear your cries of anguish, well-known gentleman of the high life, Walt Brownini....as well as your lovely and much-admired maternal partner's sighs of exasperation at your distress... It was a situation that seemed to be spiralling out of control --'
'Yes!' Walt interjects, nodding: 'Much like a nuclear meltdown... In my towne houses own powder room!!' I had warned Edna that this place, at only $100,000 a month in rent, was probably not a safe, reliable place to live -- that undue disasters were probably the norm here... Or whatever... You catch my drift... I can see that in your intellgent, genetically blessed eyes!'
Don Del, rolling up his sleeves, and turning towards the powder room as Walt looks on in amazement... 'Don Del! Don Del!! Please! Your life and health are too valued, too valuable...'
But the cowardly Walterio is afraid to follow him into the disaster site... Plus, his sensitive stomach and bowels would no doubt rebel in such a venue, leading to even a larger, mor personal disaster from which he might never recover!!'
In a second, Don Del is out of the bathroom, his sleeves still rolled up, but a smile on his face...
Walt scurries over to him and embraces him, and then, in a sign of utter awe at Don Del, falls to knees and kisses and licks his hands -- the hands of a great, courageous, infinitely resourceful man!!!'
When things have calmed down a bit... mainly Walterio's enxiety, distress, and worshipfulness of Dom Del, Walt humbly asks him: 'How....how....how....how....'
Don Del, now throughly washing the hands Walt had repeatedly kissed and slurped and worshiped like a common street dog: 'Well, I just rolled up my sleeves and reached into the mess and tore the thick newspaper up into maybe a hundred small pieces... It didn't take long, really... The paper was very weak from all the saturation. Then I was able to flush the disgusting, smelly, thickish brown water, now much more uniform in consistency and color and content -- In just one quick flush!! Mr. Brown? Mr. Brown?? Oh my... Lovely Mrs. Brown' (he says softly, because she is right at his side, pressing herself against his manly physique...'Where..............is.....Mister.....'
Edna giggles: 'Oh, he became so upset when you told him about what was on the hands he had just kissed and slurped that he jumped out the window -- right through the glass -- Feel the kindly, lovely breeze... What a lovely day.... And what a lovely man....you are!!'
As Skunkville continues its drive to 'clean up its act' and 'become more high class' and 'more dramatically thrilling!'
Edna pointing out through the open space where the window was: 'See, Don Del Phi Forums Zynski, see that man that everyone is chasing after out there in the park across the street? Everyone loves to chase a madman!'
The doorbell of the Brown's house, just recently replaced with the cheapest model at CrxpMart, a loud, jarring buzzerd, always stands the shocked Browns' hair on end when some quiet visitor fires it off by pushing the button without warning -- the visitor often running away and never returning, scared xxxxless themselves -- And of course, being trapped inside at its mercy, its sound immediately puts the Browns' nerves on the jagged edge... Not because they are afraid of who might be at the door, but because the loud, obnoxious sound itself stimulates an immediate response of terror in almost anyone.
Walt, wiping his brow: 'My heart practically jumps out of my chest when that implement of aural and psychological torture is 'fired off'' by someone with a heavy finger on the button!!'
Edna, pale, holding her breast, trying to resume breathing after the sudden shock of the horrid sound. 'Y-yes W-Walt... Why not invest an-another $8.99 to replace it...???'
Walt: 'That's the problem, Edna... The next step up was all the way to $11.49!! That's quite a high hurdle for someone our age, who was brought up when a gizmo like that would maybe cost $0.29 cents if that, fully installed! Except, of course, in those days, the visitor would have to crank up the doorbell with dozens of rotations of the hard-to-turn outside crank in order to make the thing go in the first place...thus discouraging loud rings! But now that we recently entered this electrical age...'
Edna, still twitching and jumping as the loud, machine-shop-style buzzing and screeching continues intermitently, 'Yes, and I guess most visitors were too lazy to make it really loud if they had to supply the power...BUT WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THE XXXX DOOR NOWWW!!!!????'
Walt, nodding knowingly,still thinking of a prior statement of his beloved Edna's: 'Yes, all except the bill collector... By his doorbell cranking and repeated harrowing buzzes, he soon had debtors at the door of their own house, begging him to come in for coffee and dessert while they paid the bill in cold U.S. cash... If he accepted thaaahhhhht...!' finishes Walt, convulsing at the end of his comment when the horrid door noise in the hear and now begins again like a last warning air raid siren!
In a moment of bravery and self-abandonment in the face of torture, Edna dashes to the front door and throws it open... and is amazed to find that it is Del Phillipe Forumsynzki, the most powerful man now in the trillion-dollar Delphi Forums & Subsidiaries aka DLFX on the New York Stock Exchange!!
The debonair billionaire enters saying: 'You can just call me Delphi Forums for short...I've come to introduce you to your less expensive replacements. They will need briefing on exactly what's happened so far since the tale began back in September of 2010, over 1,000 episodes ago. Not that we really want them to be like you... You're canned because you could never consistently hold the 1st place position in the Delphi Forums visitation standings, even though you were competing against talented, motivated amateurs who were being paid nothing for their fine work!!'
Edna, sidling closer, can't resist now in his presence: 'How do you feel about seeing me again, Delly.... Remember the last time you came...when Walt was away?????'
Walt turns white, Del turns kind of reddish grey: 'Surely, you're mistaken in whatever outlandish, incriminating events you have fooled yourself into remembering as true. I've never ahem (looking down at his hands to see if he has his fingers perfectly crossed for maximum forgiveness) been here before....that I recall...never....now I might be wrong about that...I make many visits to our staff and contributors... I try to visit each blog writer personally every six months of so...We absorb the travel cost....You know, the Delphi Forums private Leer Jet....
Edna: 'Yes, I do remember your leering style... But you were quite charming too,,, and Walt was away...And, as I recall, you pushed a drink or two on me...maybe slipped a little pill in one...and then**....?'
** See ~March 15, 2013 episodes in Archive on this very site
Walt, reddening: 'Hey, I'm right here guys! Don't be so rude... Talk about this privately sometime on your own dime.... I don't need to hear all the details. I love Edna despite her shortcomings and her slip-ups... Some women just have a wild side that they'll never lose until they croak....and maybe not even then... Have you read about this strange phenomenon called sexwalking in the latest issue of Fate Magazine?? They explain that promiscuity among women of age often occurs within a trance that was activated by a master hypnotist, using cues such as blinks of his eyes, or the cutting of specialized fxrts with a sound and odor-encoded message only the controlled woman can sniff and snare, leaving other observers looking at each other ('was it you who...') but basically clueless... and giving the man complete control of the sexual behavior of his 'hypnotized harem'.'
Del, nodding: 'Yes I have, and all you said: well said, Walt. I have always admired your work on your Blogovision medium pioneered here at Delpi Forums.... Call your local cable dealer for details, reader, on how you can follow Walt & Edna's lives 24/7....Of course, re-runs of highly-rated episodes or ones where they are sleeping or going pee-pee or po-po or put-put are not included in the main service so as not to nauseate or otherwise offend the viewer....But perhaps a deal can be made on a case by case basis for someone who craves a true 24/7, no-edit blow by blow of the action....or, usually, lack of action with these two!
Del continues though: 'You know,' he says, then shaking the hand of first Edna and then Walt, 'You have drawn many readers to your blog with your unsavory stories of sleazy or ridiculously fantastic lives. That being said.... Your multi-year contract with Delphi is being reconsidered, and we may want to DROP your fantasy sooner... Like next week, if not before... possibly even right this minute. We have a replacement couple where the same basic schtick or is it Schick? will be attempted, but this time under more Delphi control rather than having you, Walt, operating as a complete loose cannon!!!'
TO BE CONTINUED
Walt, relaxing with the typpo-riddenn fat Sunday 'It's-the-all-day-reamd!!' edition of the prestigious and award-winning (e.g., Worst/Sleaziest Newspaper Ever in World History of Journalism: #1st Place 10 Years in Row, Most Typergraffickle & Grammatickle Arrowrs: %1ts Palce)
Skunkville Eye Poker and Bum Scraper: 'We'll poke you in the eye with some thrilling pictioriated news and, after reading, you will gladly scrape your can with some of the most awfulk stories ever poorly, incohearently written about some of the most heinieous peepholers in the world'
Walt: 'Now, wait, Edna... Don't head out to the gorcery store without lissening just a little bit! You know, the town is in an uproar about their lead story! I don't know whether they dreamed it all up to attract readers, or if they really believe every word's true but we are going to discount it because they are such poor journalists...and then pay a heavy price for that oversight!!'
Edna, a bit surprised....'Why did the newspaper slip out of your hands and onto our needs-cleaned living room floor... I saw you were gripping it quite firmly.... You know dear... At your age, you don't want to croke just from holding a copy of The Skunkville Eye Poker and Bum Scrxper too tightly to your breasts!
Walt looks down, really upset....'Oh....I see what you mean Edna....I may need to borrow one of your brahs...Plus this newspaper's content is so slimy, the pages actually seem to have a slimy, slippery, suspicious smelling sheen to them.....And my neck is so stiff and also fat I guess that I never look down far enough to see how things are about to slip out of my hands...and my hands have become so fat lately, I think I've lost my sense of touch and even feeling... That's why our lovemaking hasn't aroused me as much, and I had to do those really phony sounding, lame grand finale noises... and also why we had to call Dr. Billes...Oh, I hope I didn't break any of yer ribs!! I feel so bad...But then again, you said you thought all the 'action' was more or less fine and were disappointed when we had to stop for Dr. Billes exam of moi! I guess I better go back to the Old Men's Survivalist Spa... If they don't kick me out for being cross-gender, or even just a straight-on female trying to look 'butch'...'
Edna, nodding: 'Yes, that would be sad... And the town gossips would start up then... With their wild imaginations: 'Yes, I saw Walt trying on and then buying a fraternity -- or maybe even a sorority bra in ScumMart the other day!!... I wonder why I didn't put two and two together right thin and thar....' Then the other replies: 'I guest that that means that flat-chested Edna is a man, or maybe a male inpersonator -- except actually she looks to be a wo-man interpreting a man, not a member of the farther sex.... But maybe that would explain how they had Wally Jr. when they were eaggch over 150 years old...'
Walt: 'But how would that eggsplain anything at all?' 'Huh?' 'I mean, if you Edna are a man, and have fooled me all these years, knowing how easily fooled I am... How then could you have had the baby -- plus yer too old in case yer not a male! People would goss-up: 'Yes, well they're both too old to be trying to procreate some monster that's a combination of them...' 'I get it, you're saying Walt had the baby... and maybe he's nursing another one right now that we don't know about yet?'
Edna: 'But I thought, when you started reading a story from this rag to me, you had something important to tell me... Not the standard old news most Americans can cry out: 'I weight too much! I'm outa shape!! My xxxxxxxx (could be any number of things) is sagging, getting huge (or shirking, shrinking to nothing jest to tormentalize me)!!'
Walt: 'You're right Edna... I think you're really onto something for once... I had something vital to tell you, information of the Highest Urgency, the Greatest Importance, the Most Profound Pending Impact on us and perhaps all other peepholes of the world...'
Edna, nodding understandably, rubbing Walt's upper back and neck very nicely and gently and smoothly....
Walt: 'Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... Ooooooooooooooh!!.....That is soooooooo wonnnnnnnnrfulllllllll.... I jussssssst canttt thank you enoughhhhhhhhhhhhhhfffffffffffffffffffffff!'
Edna: 'I'm sure you know full well that its not unusual for someone of our age or even younger to occasionally lose their train of thought....get off on a wrong track....have their thinking derailed by the slightest interruption..... get lost.....And sometimes, they never can remember what IT was.... But does/did IT really matter?? Are we two, still in love as when we were teenyboopers, to have our marital bliss shattered by something so trivial as a fergotten thought...
And some experts say you ferget things that aren't worth remembering, like the time that bully, Georgie Fleahammer, stole a kiss from me, deliberately doing it while YOU were watching us... Just for the fun 'burning someone up' who wouldn't dare fight with him....'
Walt, looking skyward, lost in thought: 'My, my -- That seems like just yesterday, doesn't it Edna? And I can honestly say that I have no animosity anymore towards that Georgie Fleahammer... Especially since he was run over and killed in his own driveway. We even became friends later on, before his wife's auto-matic 'mistake' (he had taken out a big policy on his life at her bequest) terminated him with extreme prejudice...But while still in one piece, mebbe a week before the sad accident, he apologized the last time for it, on top of about dozens prior times -- So much so, I started avoiding him, when I guess I was his only friend....And then he shot himself!!'
Edna, nodding understandably, and hugging Walt in a motherly rather than horny fashion: 'He shot himself, after his wife's driving over him by mistake in the driveway left him with a bad right foot. There, there, little boy.... It's all right... It's all right...'
Then she feels Walts' shoulders begin to gently shake, and he begins sobbing...
She makes a disgusted face as she slows down her consolation rubs, feeling like she may be about to throw up or kick him real hard.... And then she does suddenly have to let go -- Her torrent of vomit drenching the repulsive The Skunkville Eye Poker and Bum Scrxper publication almost beyond recognition.
Walt stops crying and looks over at the barf-soaked newspaper, and then begins crying even more hysterically. Later, he explains that his family always considered the press to be the defender of Truth and Proper Disclosure of things people should know, whether they liked learning about them or not...
Edna: 'Shuddup right NOW before I slam you with this sopping, worthless piece-of-sxxt, stupid, mindless newspaper!!!'
To her amazement and disgust, Walt's sympathy now shifts to the soaking wet disgusting 'rag' itself!!!
'C-c-co-ome to da-da, poor Mr./Ms. Paper let out in da rain and in da vomit sturm ...' Walt manages, his voice shaking like a 3 year olds'.... 'No, on second thought, never mind.... Yer face is a mess....You've torn yer dress...How could they know? You can't get enough, but enough ain't the test! So how could they know? I said, how could they know?'
Edna: 'Know what? That yer a looney bird that finally flew over the coo-coo nest?'
Italicised lyrics above from David Bowie's great song Rebel, Rebel
Walt: 'Gee, Edner.... I never figured we would be considered aligned with The Dark Side of the Force.'
Edna, looking at him, head tilted: 'Who said we were?'
'No, Edna, I think it is whom said we were...'
Edna: 'You better be careful with those kinds of grammatical attempts at humor... You know, some people are very strict about that as well!'
Walt: 'Okay, as part of our schtick, well maybe we should schtick to something safe so we don't keep having our posts erased and/or edited... How about nursery riddles?'
Edna, her face looking as if she was sucking a lemon: 'I've always despised those foolish things...'
Walt, shaking his head and nodding in the direction of the growingly aggressive censors: ''Despised' and 'foolish', Edna... Some people would consider those pretty harsh words... You better watch yourself...You don't want to cross the line again. You know, sometimes I think YOU'RE the Loose Canon, taking and exhibiting pickshures -- mental or even photograhical -- that push us right over the dreaded line, into the worst, 'inappropriate for everyone' rating. From now on, we apparently must need to schtick to material that even a prude or a prune would find barely exceptable...'
Edna: 'Yes, and as figments of some unknown jerky probably mentally ill writer's imagination, we are on a short leasch -- Plus now, he's apparently made us more abrasive and over the imaginary line than every before...'
Walt: 'You're right there Edna... But why 'guy'. Why not a girl (i.e. vous) who doesn't know when to stop pushing the enevlope... Into the stuff-ed mailbux, without pulling out other people's mail and dumping that into the saltmarsh!....But, do you know, we had over a thousand entries on this blog with not a single editorial deletion or alteration... And now it's becoming a daily event! Weird thing is, we've never changed what we've been doing since the start!'
Edna: 'Okay, enough of that! We don't want any more trouble -- you need to stop provoking Them... And speaking of that, do you remember when we went to the Drive-In to see that movie 'THEM' about the giant grey aunts caused by atomic testingk? But I'm game set & match to try some riddles if you think that will keep us on safe ground...well, that's ridiculous: But maybe less imminently deadly ground...'
Walt: 'Well, safe ground is really having everything, pitecures and all, completely backed up and dupicated and ready to make a break for another home.... Which we have done of course all along. We can be shut down and be back up somewhere else within five minuets!'
Edna, trying to move off this sordid, self-centered fun-killer of a topic, reaches for the riddles: 'What is as big as an elephant, but weighs nothing at all?'
Walt: 'A balloon helium replica of your buttski? Me, in my ghastly form?'
Edna: 'What about an authentic elephant hide, including the head, inflated with healium?'
Walt: 'Well, what's the antser?
Edna: The official ansewer is A jumbo SUV filled with very overweight passengers floating in outer space..
Walt: 'Ansewer is right! Is there oxygen and adequate heating for these poor overweighters anonymi -- people like moi? Nevermind...Next, please....'
Edna: 'What starts with P, ends with E, and has hundreds of letters?'
Walt, screwing his face up into this frightening looking ultra-heavy thinking expression: Hold it...hold it now... I know this one... Okay, ready?'
Walt: Prelrghaerihgpfjlydgthrurhfkbvdcjhfngdbsodbyrjurvhjngfrvlkxinbvhd fdmsvbxgnfdisvhjknfdnhxjyhgvoujzxnfdt cvcdnoq.jdffdnufjhnrldnkrnhsiybgsvbvhvsdhfdngdee...'
Edna, looking skyward, shaking her head: 'How did you ever so distinktlally pronownce those gooky-garbly sounds like thet? But, I'm sorry, I don't believe that is a real word. What does that super-long foreign word mean??'
Walt: 'In a nutshell: Rkejfnwer.'
Edna, shaking her head: 'You just made that nearly unpronouncable word up, you devil!'
Walt: 'Okay, next riddle, my dear -- and please, above all, keep wahtever you say clean as the fresh fallen snow used to be pre-Industial Revpollution!'
Edna: 'What has two hands, a round face, always runs, but stays in place?'
Walt: 'The same thing you get as if you milk a cow after an earthquake!'
Edna: 'HEY!! Are you talkin' dxrty again, creating a sleazy milieu for the people of the 21st century to rock on in?'
Walt: 'I'll give you one, Toots... I travel the world and I am drunk constantly? Who or what am I?'
Edna: 'I know that one -- That's easy... The writer of this top-of-mind mindless braindump before he went to Overdrinkers Autonomous!'
Walt: 'You mean the real Walt Brown... Not me, his fictional altarEggo, but my 'father' -- who berthed me on his own -- who is the real villain...if what we are doing is villainy here every day for almost the last four years!'
Edna, rubbing her hands together: 'Hey, that AltarEggo sounds delicious now you mention it...I vote for Eggos washed down with a hearty, foamy stein of Ovaltine right now -- I'm headin' twards the kitchen as I speak,...!'
Walt: 'Yes, and I agree with the idea of making the dual, conjugular eating of Eggos at the altar part of the official Ohio wedding ceremony would be a fabulous new twist to the otherwise repetishous and boreing current ceremoaanial practices... But we better stop here, because we don't want to waste effort creating any more top 'o mind crxp that will never see the light of day...'
Edna, looking up, beaming, thinking of the sublime concept of 'wasting effort creating more crxp that will never see the light of day...': 'What happens, then, Walt, when our crxp sees the light of day....Does it cause chemical changes in it, purify it? And why is creating crxp a waste of time... Constxpxted people would surely disagree!!'
Readers: Be assured that if this material (all the episodes and visuals in their entirety, including this one) suddenly disappears from here, it will reappear very quickly somewhere else. in a matter of hours, maybe even minutes!!... And in its unexpurgated entirety!! Be sure, as one of the innovative, open-minded original fans, or as a fascinated, star-struck newcomer -- that you're there when Skunkville advances its sinister, occasionally mildly foulish-mouthed but always gentle and love/life-affirming plan to Conquer the World before it's done!
With Ella suddenly under the weather, he has gently placed her in Edna and his marital bed, which he had made extra nice & comfy with a very careful job of bringing out their (as far as he knew, anyway) best and cleanest and least stained sheets and pillows and pillow cases, and then spent hours making the bed so that it looked perfect, like in a romance movie. Not of course with the thought in mind of any kind yanky-spanky-planky...!!! Heavens to Betsy, no! Walt realizes, as he puts it, 'That's a one way ticket to the graveyard and then quickly on to eternity in the Blast Furnace of the 'Other Place'
'Besides, she would probably become ill if she had to make love with someone as obviously old as I am... And then that would surely put a damper on any fun we might otherwise have. Plus, she keeps telling me how my profile and coloring reminds her of President Obama, and I can see him aging by the minute, poor guy. Who would ever want a job like that? And as far as me being on the dark-skinned side of the spectrum, I always remember that women always want someone 'tall, dark, and handsome'...so at least I would have one-third of the equation...And if my face is really starting to look more feature-wise like that handsome Mr. Obama's, maybe close to two-thirds...Although no one will ever be as handsome AS my man, poor misunderstood Richard Nixon! I mean, I went to the new X-Man movie ten times already just to see Tricky Dick and those Sentinels!'
Walt continues to mull: 'But, other than wearing platform shoes, and probably falling alot and maybe even being killed by a car or a train, I don't know quite how to obtain that 'tall' element of the hot-male trifecta! So maybe two out of three ain't so bad......'
Just then, his intense concentration is broken by what sounds like Ella, calling out for him. Now even Walt is able to see the butterflies shooting out of his ears, eyes, mouth, heart, navel, and....
'Oh, just to be my fat old self again... I'm far too old to be someone else....It's way too stressful!'
p.s. DON'T FORGET THE PRIOR EPISODE WHERE EDNA IS AT BEANVILLE MANOR HAS BEEN GREATLY EXPANDED/ALTERED!!
Ella, the lovely, retro-dressed young lady who has come to check our friend Walt's welfare as part of her Agent, or Ancient Care job for the County: 'Now, Mr. Brown if you would just carefully, slowly lower those drawers down onto the floor or even take them all the way down to your basement....'
Walt, astounded, thinking momentarily of his own underdrawers rather than his arms full of bureau drawers he has just lifted off the chair right next to him. He was moving them so he can hear and see Ella better than if she sits across the room in Edna's chair... Plus, he doesn't want Ella's image of him to be influenced by all the lingering annoying thought shreds about Walt exuded by the one who usually sits in Edna's chair...and even though the mostly pleasant and lovable old buzzard isn't in the chair, her thoughts might still find a way to seep into Ella's mind if the young lady sits there too long....or even at all!!
Walt: 'Well, actually dear, I think I'll put my drawers here on my wife's chair if you don't mind....'
Lovely Ella: 'Whatever suits. This is a lovely little home you two have here, Mr. Brown. It just feels good to me... It's not very ritzy but it sure is homey!'
Walt, trying to keep the nicely flowing conversation smoothly rolling by returning her compliment with the first thing that cums to mind: 'Yes, and it is a lovely exterior that you have there, including your retro clothing...Have you ever considered having an affair with a man perhaps slightly older than you... perhaps even one of your bungling old senior citizen patients, one whom you can see was long ago likely quite a man in his day?' Walt queries nonchalantly, dispassionately, but with a slew of colorful butterflies and groans of self-reproach in his stomach and mind. 'Also, have you ever had a slew of butterflies in your mind?? I guess that was what happened to the hippies on LSD.... Have you ever tried LSD?' He tries, discombobulated by being in such close proximity with her fresh beauty and for once embarrassingly unable to stop chattering, a la wife Edna!
Ella turns her head slightly in a friendly attitude of disbelief: 'You're quite spry of both mind and body for your age, aren't you, Mr. Brown???... Perhaps even a bit of a schemer and a dreamer and maybe even a surprise, perhaps unwelcome squeezer!? I could swear I just saw a bluish butterfly flutter out of your ear just a moment ago! And look! Do you see that bitty yellow one that just fluttered out of your left nostril?
Suddenly becoming dizzy, Ella says: 'I better sit down for a second. You're my sixth patient of the day already, and I may be coming just a wee light-headed....'
Walt, noticing she seems wobbly, approaches her to give support -- It would be a horrendous tragedy if she were to fall and mar in any even tiny way her soft, supple, glowing, fragrant beauty...'She's so udderly perfect, even her figure and the sweet roll of her voice: so he reveals: 'Tell you what. I thought you might become a bit light-headed with the stress of dealing with an old rent-a-gate like me, so I prepared our marital bed with fresh, clean sheets and pillow cases. May I offer my arm and escort you there so that you may regain your vitality?'
'Our marital bed?' the dizzy young lady thinks...'Has this guy got a bunch of screws loose? Or maybe he thinks I'm a 'loose screw'...But he'll learn otherwise, as she fondles her mace spray in her side pocket....'I really do like him as a person, and don't want to risk hurting him...I've never even used this stuff before! What if he were blinded for the rest of his life?? OMG!!! I'd feel awful...I'd lose my job...I'd have to become his nursemaid until he passed -- which might never happen with this stubborn old mule -- just to assuage my conscience..!'
Walt gently, caringly tucks Ella into Edna's side of the bed, then steps back into the hallway, quietly shutting the door. His hand on his chin, looking upward at nothing: "I winder, just winder, if the young lady would like a little comfy, relaxing bedtime story?'
Edna has parked her car in the empty lot at Beanville Manor, the largest estate in Beanville, Ohio and one of the larger ones in the state. The front door of the somewhat neglected massive stone edifice is slightly ajar and doesn't seem to be well-attached to the doorway.
The adventurous older woman is understandably wobbly on her heels as she walks up the crumbling driveway onto the crumbling walkway to the weatherbeaten, creaky steps that ascend to the dilapidated front porch. What an intriguing but also bizarre... and maybe even stupid.... place to have a bean-eating and 'fragrance-fxrting' event for middle aged plus women!! She keeps her ears tuned, and hears plenty of the vivacity of summer life buzzing and scampering outside, but no human voices from without or from within... But she is not yet within herself..
'My, this is strange,' Edna mutters. 'It's just like a repeating dream I've had since I was a girl, but there were no baked beans and no cacophony of pharting and old ladies stupidly giggling in that dream... So my gut tells me something is wrong here...And to think too that I've been holding in as much as my fxrt gas as I could since yesterday... I feel like I'm about ready to explode! And for what? Just to win the Most Musical or the Loudest or Most Fragrant or Most Appetizing or Most Nauseating Fxrt award at this stupid, lame-brained sleazy event? Women are becoming more like men all the time...
Pretty soon we'll be the dirty, sleazy, mind and body in the gutter drunken, obscene slobs -- and they'll be the perky, politically correct Holier Than Thou's!! And oh boy, will they lord their superiority over us then!! Don't Skunkville women have better things to do than go and sit in a room in an old mansion and try to out-fxrt each other, half the time messing their undies by trying too hard?? I mean, how classically UNfeminine can one becum?' Edna laments.
She thinks, The heck with this... I might as well let all my carefully accumulated bloatage fly now, just fer comfert, -- just the fumes, not the solids!! of coarse....And gain a bit of peace and relief...I never win anything anyway at any competition...not even the boobie prize, and really -- mine are pretty nice for a...!'
She stops, grabs her head with both hands and shakes it... 'Wake up, girl! Stop all The Pity and The Pride...Maybe I should call my novel that...The one that Walt doesn't even know about!'
'You know, I'm getting to think that Walt was right when I forced him to stop going to his rahnchy, sexist Bullmoose Club events -- and he replied that my Lady's Artillery events can be ever bit as noisy and politically incorrect... Just no alcohol is the only difference... Well, at least publicly served... But then why all the extra trips to the ladies room, and the flushed faces and hints of a stagger on return...And the excuse: 'Boy, that poo was like having triplets!!
'And the ones who aren't nipping or overdoing the pharmasuityerselficals, we're all whacked out by our hormoans....
I mean, what real pride can you have for any of the various awards and gas-expelling trophies: Loudest, Softest, Most Fragrant, Least Fragrant, Most Subtle, Most Blatant, Worst Smelling, Best Smelling. Most Toxic, Sexiest Sounding & Smelling, Most Musical, Best to Dance to, Most Feminine, Most Unisex, Most Creative, Most Mind Altering to Snort, Most Addictive, Friendliest, Nicest Personality, Most Misleading, Most Memorable Musically, Most Memorable Nasally, Most Likely to Succeed, Most Popular, Best Message, Most Enlightening, Most Respectful, Hardest to Classify, Most Manly, Most Skunk-like... It just goes on and on...
So, it's good that a male and female scientist from Skunkville Community College are coming to 'refreee the event' as well as bringing various meters and recording equipment to add a quantitative level of evaluation, so as to put a least a trifle of serious or at least scientific element to the otherwise terribly rowdy/dowdy meeting....The frivolous, giggling, sniggling, stupid proceedings...albeit Edna always becomes as silly or worse as the other ditzes from the insanity of it all!
Edna mutters aloud: 'Maybe we really should all be put away, or at least put in some kind of life-transformational progran -- with this as the inescapable, profound, shocking, stripped-bare evidence of our vapid worthlessness!'
Before their argument can further escalate...although it's mainly Edna who appears to be losing her cool, the phone rings and Edna answers. Walt relaxes back in his chair, happy for the break from her belaboring of him.... Walt thinks: 'Maybe it's just her time of the month.... Or is she far too old to have a time of the month? Really, I should be more knowledgeable about that kind of stuff.... It's the stuff you don't know about that always catches you offguard...does you in....'
Edna slams down the phone: 'It was a call from a lady whose voice I didn't recognize, and whose name I didn't catch, saying that there's an emergency meeting of the Skunkville Woman's Artillery -- I mean Wimmen's Auxiliary....whatever... Over in grand & beautiful Old Historic Beanville Manor in Beanville.... They want me to join them right away for their Baked Bean luncheon and feminine fragrancy fxrting contest....'
Walt, shaking his head in disbelief: 'How can a feminine vagrancy fxrting contest among a bunch of dolled-up old bags be an emergency?... I would skip it, if I were you, Edna...You're too sophisticated for something like that -- It sounds more like stuff the Skunkville Men's Bullmoose Club does at their monthly meetings!'
Edna, looking at Walt, her temperature rising: 'So, telling me what to do now, eh?, and classifying me as an 'old bag'???'
Walt shrugs: 'Well gee... I mean, isn't that the way you treat me sometimes..?? You know I think you're gorgeous for one of your extreme seniority and that I'll always love you to death...But I want to know why you can go to meetings but I can't, except for the monthly Grey-Haired Bears Men's Bible Pow Wow -- the most boring meeting in the world, with these old geezers rambling on and on incoherently rarely even mentioning the Bible before someone finally knocks them out by giving them a stiff Scotch!!'
Edna: 'That's because you're the one who needs help, and I'm yer helper, yer voice of sanity and purity.'
Walt: 'But what about that pretty, sweet girl who's my state-appointed Senior Citizen Welfare Advisor... Why do you always kick her out of the house after only letting her visit me for ten minutes -- and hanging over us the whole time to nose into what we're discussing. No wonder she's confused about my case: Because I'm never able to speak privately, to tell her the real scoop!'
Edna, nodding contentedly: 'Yes, just as it should be in an extreme case like yours where you're simply unable to articulate truths since you have no idea what's going on... Anyhow, I have to go right now to Historic Beanville's Beanville Manor... But I'll be calling you every few minutes once I get there to make sure yer still here and not with some sexy welfare chick!!'
As soon as Edna leaves, Walt leaps to his feet and begins staring out the window to see if Ella whatever her name is can be seen out their front window... Maybe he should check the side and back windows... In case she doesn't know which door to enter? Holy smokeys... I've got a clean up this living room...and put a fresh sheet and blanket on the bed just in case!
But then he flops back into his easy chair to try to calm down instead, his heart pounding like a jackoffhammer. Shortly thereafter, he hears a gentle knock on the front door: 'C'mon in! The water's fine!' Walt quips shakily, too nervous to want to risk going to the door and perhaps falling on the way.
The door slowly opens and in comes the most beautiful woman he has ever seen -- except for Edna, of course -- no, let's be honest: including Edna...It's a tie, how about that? His conscience rests, slightly. 'No: It's a total lie to call it a tie...It's a blowout in favor of Miss...) 'Oh my!' He says softly as she gently steps into his living room....'Please have a seat on that chair across from me.... I would get up, but... Well...I am too much in awe!'
Ella ever so gracefullly and gently seats herself on Edna's chair, after carefully removing the sewing paraphernalia from it.
Walt muses aloud, but not meaning to: 'Edna, Ella....very close.'
Ella smiles sweetly, reassuringly: 'Don't be afraid... I'm not going to bite you!'
Walt thinks ('Why not! That would be a good start...'), but blushes and admits: 'I'm not used to having a beautiful young lady in the same room as me...And one who has taken a special interest in me because of her vocation.
'Well, that does it, Edna.... You know, we can't hardly lead our own lives anymore,' Walt complains, flopping down on his easy chair with so much gusto -- or lack of gusto -- that Edna worries that he broke it.
Edna: 'If that char is brokin, you kin sit on it at whatever angle it slopes to, or sit on the floor, for all I care! I have hed enough of yer temper tantrums!'
Walt: 'Temper tantrums? You, the Silver Queen of Angry Tiraders are criticusing me?'
Edna: 'Listen, you accident about to happen, I've never seen you flop angrily down on any chair in this house in all our centuries together in marital deadlock...'
Walt: 'Wedlock? Deadlock? The real problem, Deary, is that you've blown yer cork and now you want me to blow mine... Speaking of blow mine.... I just had a good idea about how you might be able to use to help break us out of your tuzzy and relax a little, while you would also be doing a wonderful service for me....'
Edna: 'Fat chance!! No affectionate contact from me to you for the foreseeable future and then some!'
Walt, rubbing his stubbly chin, thinking: 'Well, I've never been one not to take advantage of my own resources and manual dexterity....'
Walt rises from his chair: 'I'm off to SnootMark to examine their magazine rack -- or perchance the racks on the rack -- That is, if Old Man SnootMark doesn't see what I'm doing and then apply his cattle prod or lightening rod or whatever it is he does that makes me -- and other curious customers -- go into contortions and then scream and then usually faint... But actually doggone it... Usually waking up a few seconds later feeling like a million bucks, full of energy, full uv get up and van gogh, full of pxss and vinxgar.... Then about half an hour after that, falling into a semi-coma-type stage -- not unpleasant, but kind of dull and relaxing at the same time -- for maybe a day or two!'
Edna, rubbing her chin: 'So how many times has he or one of his workers 'punished' you? Did they ever ask you to take your clothes off first, and then there was someone there holding a camera to record what heppened next??'
Walt, rubbing his chin: 'Well...you know....I'm not the most observant person in the whirld..And yer kinda dazed too with all the fuss... You don't know what's a dream and what's real and what's neither, but like something you made up later to make the adventure sound better....make you seem not like such a fool...'
Edna, sternly: 'And why have you never reported any of this to the police, or to me, or to our welfare case worker...'
Walt, scratching his head: 'I don't even know who that last person is...'
Edna: 'The one who wears that yellow dress you....'
Walt, slapping his head: 'Her...her?? Oh no... I don't want her to think badly of me... It's the only time someone young and caring and pretty ever pays any attention whatsoever to me... And she is SO KIND and SO PRETTY.'
Edna peering deeply into Walt's eyes: 'Prettier than me, for example? You can tell me the truth -- there won't be any Consequences like there were on the old TV show..'
Walt, scratching his head again: 'Well, you can't make those kinds of prettiness or other kinds of comparisons -- the depth and detail of reality is too complex...plus the judge's feelings may shift from second to second as he looks or thinks about different parts of the alternatives... I mean, it's apples and cucumbers -- it's flowers and flours -- it's a just-baked peach pie and an old hair pie with cobwebs on it....'
Edna: 'Are you aware that our new mayor just bought a state-of-the-art, flawless, always-right Lie Detector... And that I have been doing some free sewing jobs for him, so he has offered to allow me to try out his lie detector on a test case -- LIKE YOU!!!!!
Walt, perspiration rolling down his face as he reenters the house.
Edna, looking up from her unpleasant work sewing up the fxrtholes that Walt inadvertently blasts through the material of his undies, much to her disdain....
He grabs the towel Edna throws him and quickly places it over his chair, then flops down hard into it, as you can almost hear the chair groaning in pain and supplication, like 'Please, Edna, can't you stop him from doing that?? He's going to kill us one of these times!'
Edna, attentive to what she is hearing, but at the same time confused: 'What do you mean he's going to kill 'us'? The last time I looked, which is right now, I only see one chair beneath his unpleasant sweaty grouchiness, the man who believes he is king of Skunkville and the entire northwesternmost section of the southeast quadrant of O-Hi-O!!!'
'King of pain...' the chair mutters quietly.
Walt, still dazed from the hot humid conditions he has just been facing head on, mano a' climato. 'I'm sorry, Edna... What did you say?... It Isn't that I don't care what you say like I'm trying to tune you out...so I can drop out....and then turn on....'
Edna: 'What in the name of goodness a) are you talking about and b) were you doing roaming around out there in the heat when you know the relief once you get inside our air-conditioner-less sweatbox is minimal? The best we have is a bath with 'cold' (i.e., luke warm) water...Then perhaps the evaporation may set in and create its natural cooling effect...'
Walt: 'Don't they say that, ironically, sipping a piping hot beverage with plenty of nutrients -- like a piping hot cup of Ovaltime (It's time for Ovaltime...not some crude old beverage that was invented in the Dark Ages when many people wrote letters, thought the world was flat, and were sure that toupees couldn't fly on their own...). Yes, I'm aware of Ovaltime ('Better make time for Ovaltime!', 'It's always time for Ovaltime!' 'Going in circles? Then circle back for some Ovaltime while yer at it...' 'Studies show: Race car drivers prefer Ovaltime to any other ....time.' 'Oy vey! Where's my Ovaltime and gefilta fish platter??' 'Ovaltine? Like some terpentine to refresh, Mr. Painter? Mr. Painter: 'No, I'm panting for a fresh, 75% natural Ovaltime!'
In short, there is a new, suspiciously-similarly-named competitor to chocolately, delicious, 100%-trusted All-Americans of the 1950s. Ozzie/Harriet/David/Ricky Nelson-approved Ovaltine...And then there's even that womanly time of the month chocolate comfort drink, Ovulatine, which Edna once bought accidentally -- the classy/ic episode when Walt believed he was becoming pregnant from taking a sip from her cup!....
Walt: 'Anyhow, look, I'm still freaked out about our garage mysteriously disappearing, along with everything in it...maybe running off with one of the neighbor's cheap modern garages -- What if one of us -- or both of us -- were in it when it vanished? And now a new 'miracle' has happened -- with all these nostalgic memories overwhelming me...Like I was a baby again...reliving it all!
'So please give me any one of these similarly named Ovalbeverages we've been gabbing about, served at just the right temp and with the most effective extra ingredients....Also, would you somehow find it in your heart to forgive me for never investing in that Global Warming necessity: an air conditioner...??'
Edna: 'Yes... But where have you been? You're not only drenched in sweat, but covered with dust like an old-fashoned miner?? My lands... This room will never be the same again between your dirt and then your sweat combining with it -- creating an instant grime! This is a problem of the same severity as your undie 'blowholes!''
Walt, trying to talk calmly and rationally: 'Edna, look, I'm not sure about how I got like that, I was so amazed I became disoriental....I know you're going to be surprised when you hear this....But I was out in our old garage...'
Edna jumps to her feet, annoyed and concerned: 'Don't you start in on THAT again... We've had you to Dr. Sanitas since that garage disappeared in the middle of the night years ago...During those Strange Times, when everyone in Skunkville became frightened for no reason 'tall...and even the deadly Scarlet Pimplernel began being sighted around town... What a time.. The ministers and the doctors even becoming anxious, some flying the coop and heading to Pittsburgh... And even that sleazy Mayor Grafte, now dearly departed, was terrified! Are you suggesting that The Fear has returned?'
Walt, shaking his head: 'Not in the slightest...I'm not afraid of nuthin' right now -- are you??'
Edna: 'Well, yes...Your recurring halloosinashines!'
'Then go look fer yerself to see if our old Gay-rahje has come back on its ownsome, while I try to cool off in this warm room... #1 tip as you know: Arguing is one of the fastest ways to warm up...That was from the public tv program we saw about using family anger and actual fist or slap fights to keep warmer this winter to cut the fuel bill...'
Edna returns, sweaty but amazed. 'The garage has returned... Indeed, in exactly the same rambledown tumbledown but still semi-functional state that it was in when somehow disppeared... 'Even an item I remember leaving in their the day before it disappeared was still sitting just where I left it, covered with dust and cobwebs!'
But she is shocked when Walt asks: 'Did the garage fill you in about....'
Edna interrupts: 'Whom? The stupid old garage...filling me in? It's a mute immobile tumbledown shack except for its creaks and rattles and the sounds of the animals whom live there... You hear a mouse squeak -- your mind turns it into the Gettysburg Address! But you'll like this -- maybe you can snag one that's better than that $4.99 topper you bought a ShxtMark a few years ago....I saw that there was even a small family of flying toupees who had built a little nest in there.... I have to admit, Walt: The baby toupees are so-o-o-o-o-o-om cute right after they are bornt...Why don't you get one, and wear it on your pate...We could even put a little diaper on it!!'