The Professor discusses new information which creates instant terror on Earth
5 Introducing Professor Emersole Binkinschteene
We now interrupt the silly Walt Brown Skunkville saga to proudly take you live to an extremely important lecture about to be given by Professor Emersole Binkinschteene of UCLA, revealing new research about the accuracy of ancient American Indian prophesies. The scene is a huge, packed, noisy lecture hall in Berkeley. We reporters are outside an open window, here to learn the latest developments in this scholarly story.
Professor Binkinschteene has now taken the raised lectern, and is about to being his speech… Let’s listen in…
Students, today we are here to discuss the very latest research from archaeological digs seeking ancient American Indian artifacts, particularly ones that were intended to have some message for future inhabitants of the Earth…Yes, I see a raised hand already… Student Bradburne?
From our vantage point, we can't hear the students' questions as they are not miked while Binkinschteene is ... But we will faithfully record the Professor's answers, which in doing so may indicate what the question was...
Yes, I understand your question, Bradburne: What IS a prophecy? Good question. It is when an artifact or writing appears to be attempting to predict or visualize what is going to happen at some future moment…
Another hand: Yes, Ms. Scooterall?
You are asking but 'What is the future?' Ms. Scooterall? Ahem, yes, that is a good question too. The future consists of events that have not yet occurred, but will occur at some later date… Like a date that you may have tonight with your boy friend....
Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Scooterall for using that example since you have now said you no longer have a boy friend since the one you once had said you asked too many 'stupid questions.'
Yes, Butrgesasnut… sorry, I’m not sure of your gender… Your question is….What is a 'question'? (Prof. Binky mumbles quietly to self: OMG, I thought the students here were going to be smarter than this.... What am I doing wasting my time here??)
A question is what you just asked, Butrgesasnut… Okay students, I see many other hands raised but we haven’t even started the lecture yet, so please let me begin…
Yes, Butrgesasnut, whatever species and gender you are, I did give you a circular answer...Just put your hand down please... Security! Security, would you escort Butrgesasnut to a comfortable location outside this lecture hall where he can reconsider his behavior?
(As the bizarre Butrgesasnut is slowly dragged from the lecture hall, screaming jibberish and making odd threats like 'I kerse your skidlasp', the renowned professor tries to continue his presentation...)
On the screen, you will now see a carving that was found in a Weenipoo canoe that has been dated as being made in the fifteenth century, AM. The Weenipoo are an obscure, basically unsuccessful tribe that tried to survive in central Ohio over the last six hundred years. Their only distinction – until now – was their association with the wild and gory Skunk Ritual.
But now: take a look at this carving…
It shows a European-featured bearded gentleman staring through a tube of some type at what seems to be a starry sky. Anyone recognize him?
No, not George Washington, who I don’t believe had a beard… but did have poorly fitting false teeth.
No, that is not Confucius. Confucius lived before the 15th century anyway, so that would not be a prophecy, and besides, he did not invent the telescope.
Oh, you were just saying this is “you confuse us” and you “want to leave”. By all means, go ahead, as well as any other people who don't want to be here or feel like asking more stupid questions...
Well, of course, Mr. Brownbagher, that is Galileo Galilei, the Italian “Father of Modern Science”, using his amazing invention, the telescope!
Yes… Your question, Ms. Leftoverre?
A telescope? It is a device used to better see distant objects.
Why not just walk closer to see them? Hmmm, well that would be difficult with, say, the moon…
Yes, men did walk on the moon…but they did not walk TO the moon….
Now, let’s look at my next exhibit. It is a very detailed picture of a Weenipoo Indian blanket made circa the sixteenth century solely from the white fur cut from the white stripes of skunks – it is estimated that as many as five thousand white stripes from skunks were needed to create this large blanket.
Yes, your question?
No, this is not a prediction regarding the emergence of Jack White's fine rock band The White Stripes… Although that may be the first semi-intelligent comment or question I've heard from you students...
Note the design of a tin of some sort with a label on it and a picture of a cup with some steaming or smoky liquid in it… Now as far as the label, see the crude circle, the wedge, or “v”, the teepee, or A, etc. If you look at that as a word in English, what would it spell?
No… not ‘Overtime’ – they were not predicting the development of timed extra segments of tied sporting contests….
What do your parents or grandparents sometimes drink for breakfast if they don’t drink coffee?
Coffee? No, I said, “if they don’t drink coffee”
Red Bull? No
Each others' blood?
I’m surprised at all of you… haven’t you ever heard of Ovomaltine, created by the Swiss about a hundred years ago, known as the wonderful consumer product Ovaltine in the U.S.? My goodness, hasn’t anyone ever heard of chocolatey, nutritious Ovaltine?!?
Yes? And what did you think of it?
You had it once and it made you bxrf all over a brand new dress?
Un huh...Your bra cups were actually filled with vomit? What happened to your breasts? Oh, I see, you're flat-chested and you just wear a B-cup because that's what your roommates do.
Anyway, so here we have these uncivilized people, in the 1500’s, predicting the emergence of a famous consumer product of the early and mid- 20th century.
Professor Binkinschteene then goes on to show how these Weenipoo Indian relics seem to be very accurately predicting:
The discovery of America by Christopher Columbus
That Crystal Bowersox would not win in the American Idol finals even though she was more talented
The development of nuclear arms in the 1940’s
The invention of the Slinky
The French Revolution
The decline of the Marlboro Man
The BP Oil Spill
The pregnancy of Sarah Palin's daughter
The emergence of Cody Ross as a super-slugger in the 2010 MLB post-season
The time transport of Cragge and Crudde, Neanderthals, to the year 2010, by Walker Black, the nemesis of Walt Brown
So now, students, I present the most urgent and shocking artifact, given the accuracy of these past ‘predictions’… Take a look at this next artifact, and what it seems to be saying about what will happening in the very near futchure…
Once this slide is absorbed by the audience there is a hushed silence – then chaos breaks out, with people knocking each other over to jump out the windows, run out of the front or back or side doors of the building, everyone screaming madly, except a confused Professor Emersole Binkinschteene of UCLA….
Who then looks more closely at his own slide and suddenly sees the sinister implication that came so easily to the others
“Oh my goodness,” he cries. “I’ve got to get out of here… while there’s still time… but where can you go when this happens….nowhere is safe... no one will survive!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO CAN SAVE US??????????????????????