Bumpkus' Bozo Bar
DR. visiting Browns: Are you SURE you don't have any Old Dr. Crow around for me to wet my whistler?
"Lookee, Edna.. and hold onto ye hats!!' blusters Walt as he blasts open the front door, the howling March wind surging through like a million ghosts waiting to use Walt & Edna's powder room... as well as the likely "knocker', a professional-looking middle-aged man.... The gu(e)st's protracted holding open of their door blowing Edna's latest 3-month knitting project ('Friendly, 'Cute, Winking Starry Night Skies Over Skunkville') in a way that the incoming tour-NATO creates a terrifying defect in her werk...Making her 'Cute, Winking Starry Night Skies Over Skunkville' look more like a eye-poppingly realistic view of a world-distroyaling dimensional rift throwing all that we know and rely on into a chaotic maelstrom!!... Only to become far wurst, the end forever of the quiet, peaceful, unclean-air-warning Skunkville heavens, in the near futchure (the (the future sky filled with flying garbage, incuding billions of mostly-consumed but still dripplink beer and malt licker cans and buttles...as the heroic flocks of sentient toupees that we have described before patrol the heavens for Earth's good, using their lasers to vaporize as much trash and scum as possible..... While an occasional valiant toupee is flamed by the powerful laser of the unkown enemy, or unkownemy as it has become known, rumored by some to be each still-normal family's next door neighbor!!!
Walt meanwhile brandishing a bottle of what looks like standard patent medicine or booze (but he doesn't drink, neither does Edna!?) that he may have just purchased. 'Edner... wouldn't those poor near-future human fools that you now have portrayed be safer staying in their cars.... and letting the toupees laser it out with the baddies??'
Edna, glaring: 'Are you loaded? I never saw you drinking beforest.... And how can you make a joke about your destruction of my hard kraftwerk, 'Autobahn to Serenity'...
Edna, scowling, nearly fuming, as windy Walt helps her to regain all of her knitting and knitting materials from where the four winds have blown them so that she can rework her masterpeace. 'And here I thot thet March went out with a limp!!' Edna complains. 'You know, Wolt, the elder and elderer and eldererer I get, the moor I suspeculate the sum of them old bananadages!!'
Walt, shaking his head, but politely: 'March doesn't go out like a broken limb -- or a bomb -- or a breaking of the wind, which would in a way make most sense, or even like a well-seasoned munth that's tiring of its gig, or wheateever you jeest seed....but rither it does go out like, well, in modern parlezvousfrancais, abrrrrrrrrrruptly like a short but fragrante' burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!...
Walt continues: 'March ends suddenly, without warning, like a xxxx-xx for an elderman pre-Vitalis, or like a hearty onion sanderwhich burpee.....And then, the gawful Burpee bursts into a dazzling full-blooming flowering, wheezing, lovely, smelly, harrowing psychedelica....vragrant at the sturt of the allergy-ridden but hopeful munth of Averil!, named of course after our fine near-President in 1952, Averell 'The Old Crow'* Harriedman!
* ED: Caution, readers: I could find no other reference to this nickyname
Edna: 'Dear excusez me, but you sound like an Averrel Hairyman fool to me, i.e., like yer usural 24/7/52/200+ 120/80 selfet... Plus you shouldn't speak freshly or languidly about famous, probaberly winderfill peepols that I don't know and you certaindamnteedly don't knowet....How in Harlem have I lasted all these long-edged, lumpy years, each feeling like 1,000+ 36-hour snail-creeping daze per annum to moi...What with yer Kungfoollery, yer fregretfulmess, yer staunch Pro-Crastination and Anti-Chore-all polemicycle sdance, and yer lick of sensualtivity to my feelerings, and those of Averell Hairyman and all the other intelligent -- unlike Yers Truly -- peeple who thoughtfully vetoed for him in 19 & 52. I knowz in my hurt, that whittever my sufferage has been with you and yer dumber thin dirt talk it is they say propebbly now only a person like that 'Grand Olde Oprahries' typet wood be able undertand and cumfart me!!
Walt: 'You know...Though in my hart, I allerways immediately if nut Sooner fergivells yu, I think yer last rant is most despicutable, the whey you coast expersions out twards poor moi and out upon all arr media in the diversilated Ohio seas and lands and peoplulaces intelligentlemanly and ladily fickle-ish and Accidental frends and Spamcific and Autlandish neighbors.... And peeking at neighbors
(Walt, who has pulled a small curtain to watch something outside, adds) 'Edna, did ye know that the reason they say that people everywar are your neighbers is very cleared fer takeout and simplex. In the oldent days, everyone hed herses, you know, the kind ye kin ride to cherch! And whet sound duz a herse make??'
Edna: 'Why wood anyone ride t'cherch in a hurse save for the porpoise of some loved person's passage?? Isn't thet kinda gloomy... when rilegion rilly is ibout ill the gid things in this beautiful gig wii call life?'
Walt, puzzled, and wondering whether either he nor Edna has any glimmer anymore of whet they used to call mentoil real estate... You know, the fine fambily of basic troots, a ken of reality not just for realtors, and ficts that may actually be reputable indisputable hird-core ficts... not like in sim ripple-risin faction bick... Thet is lickly the oh-pity-me opporsit of troot, tho' it can be purty reel-feeling, like uh filly illistrited grid XXX movey.
Edna, amazed at Walt's quiet spell: 'Now haz a kat gut yur usualerly flappin' red white and bleu fleg of a tung?'
Walt, perhaps in a moment of Clairolity..... Seeing things by their reel kellors, like the moviestars who are mebbe the only reel people hyar on urth....everyone else here OANELLY to witch them movillies and gissip abit them..and earn munny to hev lifestyles lik'em!
But az he and Edna imadgin tham to beese based on the lady's ladiest rinse and snipper, like yer hare after ye diet. 'Edna... Do we have any Clearoil aroundt?'
Edna: 'You mean Clearasill, likes when you want to put somethin' on a windersill for Declaration Dayet?'
Walt: 'Nope... I think they say its for true blue hair colors... They mean, rilly lifelylike!!'
There is another sharp knock on the door, which Walt turns and opens, with this complaintiment: 'Thet's a purty shirp knick yuh git thir, big guy!!'
The Skunkville Townslip doctor cautiously enters the house of these elderly folks, but is understandedly not straying far from the porthole.
'Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Brown. I am visiting your demise or demesne, whuichsoever yu prefereth, having dun been ordered to appear hear and do my duty by Skunkville Township ElderAidOhio... I just wanted to check in and see how you two are doin' medickly speakin; and alser frem a druggin' and huggin' stendpint! Would you each please slowly repeat with yer traps open E A O??!!'
Edna, whispering to Walt: 'He-he-hee hee-he's frem El Doraldoe....short Morose's codey version of the big ED: E A O......Gold$$ Walt -- imagine it: GOLD!!!! There's muss be guld to be had in our local yokeland!! Weed be settled fer lifet!!! Let's start diggin' up the back lawn as soon as he vamooses!!'
The doctor chuckles at Edna's comein. 'Well, sure, hunny, I'd be gad to come in and gives you the fill 1,000 question 'o air if'n you lick...I guess you might say that if I can help you two to function better at the junction in your daily lives, that might be considered the equivylent of healthy/happy lifestyle 'gold'. After all, is it really affluence that makes two people happy... Or is it love of one another...and appreciation of all the blessings of our lovely planet earth, and the minth of Averill if the pollenmics aren't too bad end especiallurly our belivid OHIO???'
Walt, whispering now to Edna: 'Holy....whoops. Golly gee, Edna... This man might be the philosophizer we've always been seeking fer!!'
Edna, whispering: 'Philosofizer?? he sounds jest like another elder scammer to me!!'
Walt, shaking his head with vigorish: 'He's a DOCTOR, Edna.... Them kin alweez be trested, 'less they're the educational tip Dockets!!'
Doctor: 'Okay. Let's get startled. I do have all afternoon, but am also anxiolous to stop at the Bozo Bar for a medicinal drink or ten in the very near futchure......lick 10-20 minutos from now... MAX....my heebie-jeebies 'n twitches 'n shakeys art begun to kick into viewet!! This morning's eye-openers dun has lest its POW!~er and infulgence on me!
'So, formalities all covered, let's get you two gray luvbirds goin'! How long have you two been in yer current semi- to filly-derang-ed state?'
Walt, his face turning reddish with annoylance: 'Don't you ever dare say that about the great and wundrus state of Ohioee whars we have spint hunderds of yeers tween the toot of uz!!'
Walt looking to Edna for support of his comeback... But she appears a bit confused by the latest turn in the conversation: 'Are you cornfused by anythong, my dearlick?'
Doctor, looking first for the honeythong, and thin around the homey, shabby living and dining room: 'Question out of the bleu for you teu.....Might you hippen to hev, say, a hefty gallun buttle of Old Dr. Crowe aroundabout for my educationaler and fizzacul need and consumption... Tho' I would certainly share a bet ov it with you two Old Dr. As the Crowe Flies owners??
The doctor, now lost in his own fervent personal vision, no longer seeing the Browns! 'I sure could go fer a quik belt...mebbe a bunch of 'em...mebbe til I see no more evil, and am too blasted to do any mor evil!!!
Turning his intention back, with bleary, wavery focus beck on the Browns.'I'll bit i' twill make me examinulashurins and evaluashurins and prognasaostivacations regarding yer healths.... Speedbysothatyehardlymembertham... I know I usuallery can't remember anything t'al -- which also garters yer privysee, whill it keeps my mind clear as a bail of burnin' hay for the next patiently waiting patient, yer nextdoor kneebrow....Elmer and Almer Skunkheat!!
'Long day, you know...So, given that it's stressful too sometimes -- like emergency surgeries that sometimes can go completely awry -- it goes a lot faster if I'm cumpletely blustered, blistered, 'n blasted!!'
The doc gets up and starts searching around the house for Old Dr. Crow as Edna and Walt stare at each other in shock and amazelment!
Edna, checking her County Representatives Referencer : 'Good heaveens! Flatulent ('unlike me', Edna adds, straightening her back) Old Dr. 'Crow' (real name Crowley) died in 19 and 53 in a gas explosion...!!!'
Walt whispers: 'Dear, I think the kindly medical man has been referring to a brand of powerful hard licker, Edna, not our beloved Dr. Crow, of AmerIndian heritage ... And another thing....wonderful old, forever-to-be-missed, kindly, wise, caring Old Dr. 'Crow'.... who, incebiantenially, claimed he had never consumed any drinking alcohol in his entire lifet, nonetheless still lved to be 107 anyway, his wife temporarily parting from him for a few years when she was 101!!... But I would never recommend anyone boozing it up like this supposed doc wants to do! When he returns, you better sneak into the bathroom while I keep him busy so you kin bring out the bottle of Barfidal for him to take when his moment of alcoholic hyperactivity begins!! Remember... he may be able to walk up the walls, across the ceiling erectionally, his head still towards the ground, eat ANYTHING, including pets!, etc.....'