'But Valt and Eedna.. Do nut runs. Do nut hides. You muss trusset me...After awl, I eem yer caring county doktor!!'
'There...how's that That's about the best I can do Mr.Tester!'
'Is that the best ye can do??'
A County Doctor has come to check on the health of Edna and Walt, as part of a Skunkville program to visit ALL elders to see: a) if they are still alive, b) if they are alive, are they still 'kickin' -- this is using a special elder-kick-o-meter to determine the g-force of their best kick out of 3 attempts from the 5 yard line, measuring from their farthest living room wall...although no object is actually toed end over end....but just for realism... in terms of the geezer or geezereilla's mind set....the actual football is suspended on a bar, where it spins around a certain number of times from the impact of the elder-kick, indicating within an inch what yardage it would have achieved on a calm, windless day. The kick need not go through the imaginary uprights....just to but travel 10 yards in the air.... 'Pathetic' grounders', i.e., balls that are simulated to have just bounced along the ground, duly use up one of the elders' three tries, and an elder who bounces three straight kicking attempts is then automatically sent to the State Nursing Home to receive a course on Successful Place Kicking.... Although.... In an exciting moment for everyone in the institution, people who have been 'put away' get a chance every month for the first three months of their State Nursing Home stay to 'boot a good one'. If they succeed, they are immediately released, a taxi arriving in 15 minutes to collect them and all of their possessions that they were able to collect in that time period, with extra time up to five minutes added on for anyone who needed a bathroom break during the 'packing race against time'.
Of course, people who have disabilities that would prevent the kicking off a football off a tee in their living room are given another option... That of playing 3 hands of poker with the particular County Doctor who visits them. A win in any of the three hands makes them safe from the new Skunkville Monthly Elder Roundup for another full 28 to 31 day month. And... if they defeat the roving elder tester three times in a row in PO-KE-NO, the tester is immediately fired from his job, and his replacement, who is nearby watching all this on color video relay to his idling County Aging Ford Pinto, comes into the elder to wish his ex-colleague 'goose luck' and to stay on in the elderly person(s) home to finish the job, the defeated elder tester slowly shuffling out ....While any losing County Dr. is driven 17 miles to the edge of Ohio's 'Place of No Return', the slumped-over Forbidden Forest of Ohio, and stranded there in the very middle of the bewildering forest with a fresh regular size meal from McDonald's, a medium diet Coke, a compass, as well as a pat on the back for 'Good Luck and hope you are the first to ever escape alive and not even partly eaten....'
Now, lately, a Committee of Mature Concerned Citizens, not surprisingly in the 15-year-wide age bracket just below those who must be tested once a year, has been amassing daily outside Skunkville County Courthouse, Skunkville being the County Seat of Skunkville County and the only town of more than 25 people IN the county -- demanding that the ruling bodies that have created and enforced this insane, sick, inhumane system, which only began last week, by surprise on everybody, even the legitimato county leaders -- BE IMMEDIATELY SUSPENDED (FROM SKUNKVILLE BRIDGE BY A LEATHER STRAP, FOR DURATION UNDECIDED) , replaced by enforcement of a set of laws wherein a) every single one of the decision.making bxstuxds and xitches who devised this repressive system be themselves be sent to the Forbidden Forest for one year, wearing only the clothes they have on when found and handle-cufted, and for possessions, nothing but a toothbrush, plus one randomly selected old copy of Skunkville's prestigious paper of record, The Skunkville Corn Holler and Corn Hxlxr, to be used for entertainment, 'practical purposes, or nighttime flaming as a signal to other more humane Ohio communities for HELLLLLLPP USSSSS!!!
The Skunkville Mercy Heliocopter will drop a large deadly-heavy carton of semi-nourishing food and liquids every week... With the warning being that the drop will not concern itself with whether the ton of supplies lands in a convenient, safe, or accessible place, or one that is not currently a living area for the fugitives, some who may be sound asleep when the thousands of pounds of materiel comes plummetting down from 1,000 feet!
More on this quirky news you can't use as events demand, although we promise we will try to skip all gruesome or sad updates as if they didn't happen, under the pressure put on us by the powerful new Committee for a Clean Clear Spotless Skunkville Image... Remember, a spotless image regarding clean air or spotless streetss far more essential than real-world, actual clean air or spotless streets!
'People used to sucking ii polluted air may be poisoned by a sudden change to perfectly clean air!'
'People used to littered streets may panic or even keel over when faced with spotless streets with narying a flying gum wrapper or knarled, weather-beaten dog stool!'