If at first you don't succeed....

There are too many things going on my life right now that I can't remember to update this. The weight loss thing has taken a backseat to a mental issue but the treatment for the mental issue might help with the weight loss. There is too much going in my head right now. I need good thoughts and I'm sorry to disappoint yet again with this blog.

A common goal in life is to find someone to share that life with. Someone who is going to love you on the bloated days, hold your stomach so the cramps go away, someone you can make you laugh and hold you when you cry.

I have that person. I also have that person who when they decide they aren't going to have dinner at dinnertime but rather at 10 p.m. and that includes a run to the border, well he's considerate enough to ask me what I want. And as I love him, well I order right along with him.

We've been married for almost 13 years, together for 14 1/2. Since marriage, he's gained over 100 pounds and I've gained and lost about 50. Our first 3 years of marriage (ie, before kids) we ate out every single night. We didn't like to cook, we wanted to go out and when we ate, oh boy did we eat.

So this is why when he tries to lose weight, I sabotage him and vice versa. The last few nights, it's been all his fault! Not really, I just don't say no. We've talked about it, we've said "I have to do this for myself, please support me" and we have every intention of doing just that and then...we don't. We agree to go out for dinner, then it turns into lunch the next day and so on and so on.

In between those glutoness moments, I haven't been exercising. On Monday I stepped off the curb and something cracked in my right knee. It hurt like an SOB. Then that night son wanted to learn to ride his bike with no training wheels which had me running next to him (hey, that's exercise) and the day after, my knee was so swollen. So I've not walked since Saturday. Add to that some other medical issues...and I don't know how long this 4th incarnation of this blog is going to last.

Since I didn't blog for a day ( a common thing that happens since life gets in the way) you probably think that I just sat around yesterday. My daughter only wishes that were true! Instead, I took her on a 3 mile "walk" on a nature trail. Lucky for her it led to a park, unlucky for us our car was still 1 1/2 miles away! LOL I thought she'd enjoy the nature scene but she is very afraid of butterflies (she's almost 10) and freaked out every time she saw one. She also talked my ear off the whole time but I still enjoyed the time with her while my son was at his last day of VBS.

So that was 6 laps on Thursday (which DH told me is 1 3/4 miles), 3 miles yesterday and I just got back from 5 laps today which is 1 1/2 miles. My dogs are barking!! I need new shoes. DH told me to take it easy and don't exercise every day. Um...no, I want to walk every day. I don't want to have diabetes so I want to walk. I told him I would like to try and get up and walk while he's getting ready for work. I think I can do it. I also need to get my bike fixed so I can alternate the muscles I use. And take some pressure off my left ankle. I broke a small bone in it 4 years ago tripping over Nathan as he threw a fit in the library. Had x-rays and all and was given an ankle brace. I wore it when I worked in retail but my children have since destroyed it. My ankle swells up if I'm standing too long. So it's been the size of a baseball each evening the last few nights. Fun times.

The eating is still an issue. I'm trying to do better during the day but at night I'm generally pretty hungry. I'm going to focus on the exercise for now and once I get into that routine, I will focus on the eating. I have made better choices here and there, one helping instead of 2, halfing a drink with my daughter, smaller portions.

I'm a work in progress. I'm also reading "Half Assed" which is a weight loss memoir written by this woman who was over 300 pounds. She finally just made the decision to change. She's had some slip-ups along the way but I have to believe she really was half her size since she wrote a book about it. I've not finished it yet.

I can't believe someone found my blog. I appreciate the comment, I do try and do things for myself. My low self-esteem was my birthright, my mom has made sure of that. But I know I'm blessed with my husband and children and the 2000 miles distance between my mother and me. And they are blessed to have me. I'm working to get me back. And I do love school. Wish I was able to do my externship now but I value this time with the kids since it will probably be my last stay at home summer for sometime.

Anyway, I'm still here...chugging along. I don't want diabetes. I don't care about fitting into smaller clothes or having a pretty face, I don't want diabetes. That's my goal.

Wow, I haven't checked in for a long time. I know my last post made me sound like I was at a breaking point and honestly, I was. We spent most of our summer at that status. But then he went to Kindergarten and it's like a whole new world of possiblities opened for him and us. He's been on Ritalin for over a year now and it's still working great. Gets two 10 mg doses, about 4 hours apart. Which means afternoons and evenings are still crazy but then he gets Melatonin at 8:30 which allows him to sleep. He's usually out by 9:30 and sleeps until 7 or 8. He needs his sleep and we need our time away from him. He's done such a great, amazing amount of growth this last year. I'm really so proud of him.

Yet, here we are again with me...I am not back up to my highest weight ever but I'm pretty up there. And now I'm officially pre-diabetic. I'll be 38 this Nov and I'd like to get another 40 years or so out of my body so I need to do something. I went to the pre-diabetic class but being a Medical Assisting student, I didn't learn too much new. However there was a short section on exercise which has always been the 10th dimension of hell for me. Eating is the 9th. Yet...I gotta do something.

So yesterday I ate fairly well for breakfast and lunch. Dinner wasn't too bad but more carbs than I should have had. I also spent 30 minutes sitting on the exercise ball. Sitting, yes I count that as exercise because if you've never sat on one, you don't realize that it's not just sitting. It's balancing and using your core muscles which for me, are buried under layers of fat. I felt them working.

Then this morning, while the kids are at their respective camps, I walked 6 laps on the school track. I think it was 30 minutes, I was judging by the songs on my iPod (Thanks Lady Gaga for the motivation). I'm going to eat a banana and then sit on the ball again while I watch "Hot in Cleveland". I am worried about how sore I'll be tomorrow because usually once I'm sore I quit. But I can't quit because I don't want to be a Type II Diabetic. Even with my family history and gestational diabetes history, I don't want to accept that it's my fate. So I'm going to try to get in exercise every day, at least during the week. If I can get up in the morning I can walk before DH goes to work since kids are home this summer. There's a trail I think I can get them to walk on with me after I start to exercise more frequently...don't want my kids to have to try to drag Mom to the car :)

So I'm back again. So happy to see this blog is still here so I can get inspiration from someone who can make this work ...ME...years ago.

We went to the doctor and he took us very seriously. He said Nathan's a child in crisis and we're a family in crisis. As the father of a child with ADHD, he felt strongly that Nathan has ADHD. He put him on 10 mg of Ritalin twice a day. It's the generic of course and for the first few days I'm not sure Nathan was getting the full dosage because we were crushing it up and hiding it. Finally Tuesday morning I showed him the size of the pill I take and I showed him his pill and asked which one would be easier for him. He chose his and after a few tries, he was able to down it no problem.

Tuesday was his first full day on 10 mg twice a day and he had a pretty good day. Since he hadn't been given his full dose most likely, when I gave my feedback to the doctor on Tuesday, he wanted to start Nathan on 15 mg on Wed. I did it. I shouldn't have because he really hadn't had the full dosage prior to that. I gave him the 15 mg and for an hour or so it was okay, but add that his sister is home for summer break and she's got her own issues: it turned into hell. He had worse impulse control than he had had prior to taking the Ritalin. It turned into a very violent night and a long night. Thursday I gave him a 10 mg pill and still by the early afternoon he was out of control, and his sister was feeding off his anger so it was a very angry night at our house.

Today is Friday and I've not given him anything. It's still been a horrible day. His sister isn't helping much with her attitude which I can't seem to get to the bottom of but then his lack of impulse control added into that mix has just made for another exhausting and heartbreaking day.

So now we have a choice, after talking to the doctor:
1) We can bump up his Ritalin again
2) We can switch him to Adderall
3) We can forget medication and get him to see a pyschiartrist.

I'm not looking for a fast fix, but since he can't get in to University of Iowa for extensive testing until Sept 23rd, we have to find something. Max isn't sure he wants to deal with Nathan on 20 mg and I can understand that because it would be just him dealing as I work all day tomorrow and Sunday. It could work but it could go horribly wrong and be a day of Nathan on speed. One thing when I did have him on the 15 mg, he talked nonstop for over an hour. It's like he talked his thoughts.

I've tried to "research" my options on the net but there are so many scary stories out there about Ritalin (even the generic) that it's hard to wade through the rhetoric, scare tactics, and the life experiences. It's hard enough that my 5 year old son is on a behavior drug like this but I'm having a hell of a time find any real experiences that aren't completely jaded and one sided.

All I know is we have to do something. I'm signing up for a parenting class and meet with them on Tuesday. We're working on a reward system for good behavior and house rules. We're reading books out the ying yang. Somewhere, something's gotta give, and hopefully it will happen soon before someone (Me most likely) really gets hurt. He may be 5 but he's damn strong.