Q Recently, we were asked what-um provokes us to post 'um...an Entry -- as opposed to just twiddling our Tums around in our mouffs
Walt, exclaiming to Edna as he enjoys his nightly telescope appreciation of the SKY & visual study of the vast Universe: 'Holy Cow, Edna! I never realized the Universe was so cheezy... Just blowing up POOF! just like that!... I'd say we better start making SURE we don't miss church so often... Say: Isn't there a nightly service right now at OUR CHURCH OF THE BEWILDERED SINNER???''
A male bank counter person, aka a Teller
AND HOWSABOUT THIS LOVELY BANK TELLERA?
That's right -- the pickshure I mean -- whenever I... (i.e., 'Empty Wallet' Brown, aka Way-$hort Walt Brown, aka emergency $0$Walt$0$ (EDITOR: The red nickname supposed to indicate Walt's ongoingk in-arrears) cashless state + hiz elite deaffyness to applepeals frum his creditto'ers.... (Wanted, to be summarily taken frum him: Dead in his coughin OR Alive on his couchet: big $$ frum Wallet Brown...Please take all ye kin frum him and send to us'n vio express male. NOW! Nut next weak sum timet or uther you numbskulls out there in Advertisement Reader Land!!! (Posted by Walt & Edna Brown Credit Collectitall Sauciety) This sedate credit sauciety is held in high $esteam$ among reputable no-holds-barred, brutal bounty-hunting-'break a leg' (yers!) -hardcore sadistical bill-convectors... And Walt's Fi$cal Enemy #1 status vis a vis the Worled of Creepy, Ruthlessness (even the orificial Creditor Ethics' Bible ruthlessly excludes mention of the biblical book of Ruth..)..as swell as feachering powerhouse sections such as its Debtors' Ten Commandmints about how a debtor should love and care for one's creditor more than oneself, wurrying to deeth more about the creditors' well-being & pro$perity than one's own lack of any folding cash or credite cords...and how even Before your devout and selfless and warm-hearted and passionate repetition of the Biblical Ten Commandments one should 1st & Formosa pay off all his bills in full by journeying to his LOCAL BANKUS KINDUS ....Then, when the slow-$payer finerly returns after reaching the clearing of his thicket of debt & gnawing gilt-edged guilt, he pondered, as his bank's grumbling bankers had suggested, that he make a hartfelt voluntary use-as-you-like gift of half his dough to the stiffed bank of his choosing...e.g., the one he may have harmed the most (reducing profits from say $10.11 Billion to $10.1099 in Gold Bullion during his period of NOT responding to bank requests IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER (huh??) when he received them whether by phone, e-mail, letter, or smoke-signal...... and buy the Bank Showroom a gift to even further improve its Louis IV opulence and ostentatious almost revolting beauty and by doing so enhance the bank's aura of (DIS??)Honesty, and (UN?)Friendly Interest Rate.... Knowledgeable & Stunning/hypnotically-appealing & Wizard-like Telleras and Tellers.... related directly to how long s/he had in any way been cold or stubborn regarding, say, refinancing offers, or costly but knockout new services..... etc. And to (just this one time -- until they got in hot water again) -- to bow down and kiss the hand of each employee in sight...even the Janitor who might appear hauling a splashing full bucket of something? from the chronically bad-smelling men's bathroom near (but fortunately, not TOO near) the MAIN Consumer Access Area....Thanking on bended knee, each employee including Janitorial Services and the annoying guy who keeps trying to push you into refinancing yer house in order to become even richer (when actuarily, yer still poor but doan't wantadmit tit!!
You try mentally as well as outloud if you can....to bless and compliment this wonderful, low-cost, great-service Lender & Financial Wheeler/Dealer, guiltily due to brainfreeze borrowing lines, adjusted toa apply to banks from the National Anthem, the Salute to the Flag and even, God Forbid!, the Sermon on the Mount(no!!)!....tHE Gettyysburger Addres(no!!)!....and throwing away your dignity and reverence with numerous other borrowed beloved lines....too lengthy to menchun....Sections now deem-ed & thus doom-ed as irrevelantler to our worldly mission of 'Bringing Home the Bacon and putting it right away into the Fridge...' (i.e. Fridge = Savings Bank to glib hipsters like us'n)/....Bringing said green paper 'bread of life??' every payola day aswellas any other greenbacks we aqua-lung-ed outa the water or red legally at Liberry OR Illegally over some persun's culled shulder....Ass swell asz any $BONERUSes$$! less legally deducketaball taxes and feez (doumented convincinglerly as nut stolin)
Yes...It is the werkerds perennially tchore to lavish these lovelly, valewed, ligally own-ed $ on every membrane of hoz hiz fambily....as far as said bills wood stretch without ripping in two or even morebidly Turin into a plethora of Dennis Werthless shreads of hizz urijinul BONO-ANZA!!! these back ALIVE & HEALTHY to their prior owners who have hired us!!!.... Yes:All the cash & valuables & stocks, etc. inus fullus..... and in good, snappy, date-pleasing condition!!! to their beaming, oftimes-even-drooling Creditors!!
'DINGLE-DONG!!' HI!... We're all (a line of 23 husky collection men & wimmen at door) each with the Identical name of Willa or William or 'Will'or'Bill' Collector... '....Just stopping casually but aggressively by, Mr. and/or Ms. Deadbeater .... To see which of ye losers & posers & ingrates & watergators are enemies of or enemas tothe noble $worthywealthy$' are ready to fork over everything of $value$ -- from cash to carry (gems, gowns, gerbil$s you have to be heaved carelessly onto our huge, already half-loaded (including the gruff drivers) collection monster truck at this prime momento & acknowledgement of your personal shaky, sinking, helpless ground ...in order to keep the slow but lickly essential fer yer Sir Vival trickle of government or insurance or employer $$ coming to yer account and NOT YET into the hands of our re-al' vicious, viscous relentless credit-herders to use to wipe you cumpletely $- and possession-free....to a blissful primitive state of abject posessionlessness and heroic poverty!! Think of it: free of money & the burden of maintenance-requiring pos-eshuns: FOREVER. Please let yer few remaining half-friends or disgusted relatives or ex-employers know that you will soon be on-site wherever they are to grub amd harrass them for unending charity $$$ out of the goodness or evil of their fickle hearts.... A little of whitch you mayble be able to keep -- most of it tho going to compensate our firm for all the time & effort & work-overs we have con$iderattly expended in an attempt to help you find a life of piety (albeit, with pies consumed very infreguent) and peace (that is...if you are ever able to give us all we need in unusural & standard services (e.g., terlet cleaning, lawn-chomping, electrical maintenance services during T-sturms, etc. to prove you deserve anything!)!!
We will also supply you with a list of generous organizations who may help you if you haven't sunk
too
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who may be in the mood to offer some essentially free goods & services if you play along with supplying their other desires, wants, and needs
BUT WE ONLY PROVIDE THE LIST OF LISTLESS HELPERS for you AFTER YOU HAVE STRAIGHTENED OUT YOUR ACCOUNT WITH US... I.E., OWE mnus $100!!!!!
Skunkville Reader Quadrillionair $Tom Buckswurthy$ mumbles: 'Hmmm... Mybe it is time for the Very Rich to Align with the Very Poor (perhaps for our own SALIVATION)...before'n it's too late and all the miserable poor/stupid/sick people who now are ensconced securely in Heaven while we're down in Heck, fueling the furnace the keeps the Universe rotating properly to avoid any calamatous flats (TIME FREEZES) or blowouts (THE END)