'Did you hear me, Walt??? Fiddles is choking on the Orgasmically Grown Pineapple Harvest Cookie you just gave him!!! Haven't I told you 1,000 times before to break things up before feeding him??'
New narrator in seersucker suit: 'Walt and Edna... For some reason, I'm having a little trouble actually seeing what's happening as I try to record all this hot action... Would you mind just occasionally telling me what you're seeing as the action progresses? I'm good on the audio end! Thanks SO much!!'
Edna & Walt's Philco Futura TV
Walt is relaxing in his easy chair as his mate for many decades, Edna brings them a heaping plate of Orgasmically Grown Pineapple Milkshake cookies to share while they enjoy their leisure.... And she returns maybe a minute or two later with a piping hot megamug of nutritious, chocolatey Ovaltine.... And places that beside the no longer quite so heaping plate of Orgasmically Grown Pineapple Milkshake cookies, Walt having eaten a few, and Edna also sees that their scrawny 25-year-old daschund is trying to gum one down himself -- in fact, his large Orgasmically Grown Pineapple Milkshake cookie looks to be like maybe halfway down the pet's throat, swallowed whole, the exact shape of the cookie bulging out right above the dog's adam's apple as well as the whole circumference around his neck,,,the improperly or unchewed cookie is far wider than the poor pet's throat passage!...
She notices the huge Orgasmically spawned cookie is going up and down at a frantic pace, as Fiddles and his narrow throat, in a fight for their lives, are trying to 'pass' the imossibly big, pizza-diameter cookie down to his tummy where it will make him feel all warm and good... rather than brutally choke him to death as it is doing now!
Edna: 'Walt!! My lands.... get on the case... Do something right now!!! I think Fiddles may finally be passing on to a better world as I speak these very words, thanks to you brutally choking him to death by not breaking up the cookie for him, and then not monitoring his consumption of it either!!..... probably an extra large cookie you gave him knowing it would send him to his Final Reward -- so there will be more room in the weekly food budget for your beloved Buck-O's circular corn chips!!!
'Yes, there he convulses within your very reach from your easy chair... Thus our Old Friend will pass not do to his elevated age, but your woeful negligence...and perhaps ulterior motives, so as not to have share my love and my lap!!'
'Hmmm?' Walt says, turning on his mental replay of what Edna has been foolishly jqbbering about....as he slowly turns the large pages of the SKUNKVILLE CORN HOLLER AND CORN HXLER, still the paper of record for the once-rural town on the edge of the general region known as Central Ohio, which for some reason does not at all coincide with its actual geometric center, but perhaps more with its center of activity back a century or two ago. Actually, looking at an accurate map of Ohio, which is hard to find, even on the Internet, which features the old distorted maps for the most part, Skunkville and the rest of so-called 'Central Ohio' are much closer to the Southeast extreme of Ohio than its middle, falling right on the old path of the Cumberweed Trail that was the Highway West back in the 18th & 19th centuries !
Before Edna can get Walt's attention by hitting him with her heavy iron cookie pot that even features a heavy padlock, Walt, finally mentally processing his backload of Edna directives and threats, leans forward surprisingly quickly and agilely and grabs Fiddles by the neck, and where the large cookie lump was moving up and down frantically, claustrophobically, panicked, trapped, between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea, fearful of never being eaten or worse yet, being thrown up, a disgusting slimy mess.....trying to move on to the next station on Fiddles' digestive tract: the exact perfect shape of the original cookie is now clearly visible (Walt, waving his arms as he dives into action to save his best male friend...assuming Fiddles is male, he hasn't checked in quite a while: 'Edna: Quick!! Get our Kodak Brownie Camera for some shots of this! This might be our last chance for fame!!') due to Fiddles lifelong habit of swallowing things whole -- like the TV remote -- which is also easily seen now bobbing up and down in the mid-to-lower part of the doggy's throat area below the huge 'flying saucer'-like cookie, swallowed in a position parallel to the ground, the huge cookie making it look like Fiddles has swallowed a small dinner plate that is still parallel to the floor and then a TV remote below it (well, that's what the other probably actually is!).....
Walt mumbles: 'I'm pretty the old trooper can probably digest that remote... but I'm not so sure about Edna's cookie...She makes them so gaggingly rich..'
Walt bends down and seemingly in no time at all his aged but still-mighty meat-hands squeeze and crumble & crush the cookie and remote (with a bit more effort for the latter) within Fiddles' neck, which suddenly looks back to normal ... as Fiddles lays, paws up panting on the floor, growling angrily at Walt!
N: Thank goodness, look I don't even know these people, but everybody loves an old doggy....Any immediate sign of a blockage is completely gone...!! Except that Fiddles is now rolling around in discomfort -- since so much of the abruptly fragmented cookie and remote have suddenly moved on the Next Level down his digestion system, Station 4, Rahway and points South.
Edna screams: 'Now! He needs something -- alot -- to drink right away! To wash down his 'meals'!! Walt! Hurry... If that dog passes on because of your negligee-ence, you will be dead within seconds thereafter! I PROMISE!!'
Walt then reaches over and takes a big slurp of his cocoa, then forces open Fiddles foaming, slimy, slobbery mouth and does a kind of mouth to mouth forced rehydration to help save his old friend and arch rival for Edna's favor, Fiddles.... Walt alternates between big slurps and cocoa and mouth-to-mouth hosing down of Fiddles' entire digestive system!
As Walt has 'injects' a goodly doses of the cocoa with his mouth and tongue, he makes sure that little escapes the throat and places farther on down the line by holding the dog's trap absolutely shut and holding him by his collar up in the air, tail hanging towards the floor -- even when Fiddles' eyes appear to popping completely out of his head...
Walt: 'Whooops! Well, that's not the first time... I think Fiddles' left eye is the glass one anyhow... But Edna, would you mind tossing back the slimy, vomit-coated eye to me that just rolled under the couch by your right heel there? Oh look, for goodness sake -- now you stepped on it... Here, give it back to me and let me see if I can get it back into shape! I guess it's not made of glass after all!!'
Oh, incidentally, as I observed and reported this incident in my job here in Skunkville as the new narrator, Walt made me ABSOLUTELY PROMISE that I wouldn't ever interfere with the natural action in the household... Even if I perceived a life or death incident unfolding.... However, in that case, I am allowed to tap either or both of the old fogillies and give a short 5-10 word-spoken-quickly exortation or succinct piece of advice. 'But one false alarm and you'll be gone just like all of the people who have tried to follow our style!'
*****************
Fiddles now with his digestive track clean and green, sits snoring (or might that truly be a death rattle?) at the feet of Walt and Edna and this new intruder, the Narrator.
Edna: 'Buster, you're a pretty cute young fellow.... But around here, me and my GreatGrandpa narrate our own tails. So I'd suggest that you take your leave now before we get tired of you... Let me warn you, we can be pretty ornery with a guest who thinks he's not one....'
There is a sound from the darkened hallway, and the new, changed, more social Uncle Leonard cautiously peeks around the corner and, nodding to the newcomer, indicates his agreement with and support of Edna's comment. Uncle Leonard was recently discovered living in their little-used back hallway, where he has been staying since the New York Yankees defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 1927 Baseball World Series.
Walt: 'Ah, yes... I believe I recall watching those '27 games on our Philco Futura TV... Babe Ruthless and Lew Gerrick and Mickey Mantrelle and Whitey's Fart were of course the big stars then for the Yankees, and Milt Allen was their announcer...Bulova Beer was a sponsor, I belieb!'