Don't Read This

Rambling...that's my middle name. I would change it, but I don't like change...unless it's jingley change. That I like. That and donuts. But not the "fat-free" kind. Those are yucky. What was I saying?

1/20/10 10:58 AM

My Refrigerator is a Skanky Ho!

I was going to go for a run today, but it's raining, so I think that running today is a bad idea. Unless you're a refrigerator. Then you should run everyday. I'm not a refrigerator, but maybe you are or you know somebody who might be. I guess if you are a refrigerator, you probably don't mind people putting things in you. I'm not a refrigerator, so I don't like it when people put things in me. Unless I ask you to, or pay you to or blackmail you to do it with skanky pictures of your Border Collie in a freak suit. Otherwise, it's just weird. I did have sex with a refrigerator once. That crisper drawer really is versatile! Not really. It's only good for produce. You'll just have to trust me on this. Or try it for yourself, I don't care. I do care, but I won't make a big deal out of it. I only make big deals in Vegas. Or in a a public bathroom stall, but, why drag George Michael into this?

Don't you just hate people who get all offended at the slightest thing? Like that time my neighbor got offended when I washed her car while she was at work. It was a good deed!! I should offer that I vomited all over the front seat before I washed it...but it was still a nice thing to do. It wasn't like I got drunk and vomited in her car or anything like that. It was food poisoning. I think it was something I drank. Okay, it was definitely something I drank, but I seriously suspect that bottle of vodka was past it's expiration date. I may sue.

Anyway, I never get offended by anything. I do offend myself sometimes. That's annoying. Just this morning, I told myself a joke that really pissed me off. I'm still not speaking to myself. Which makes my co-workers happy, actually. I don't have co-workers, I work from home, but my cat did meow her voice of approval. I may buy myself something really pretty later on today to make up with myself and then later on tonight in the shower, I'll just take my...well, that's personal, isn't it? Sick-o!

Comments (1)

  • 6/14/10 - Franki 7775Your really insane, It must be due to the food poisoning or should I say the over due vodka that...  Show Full Comment
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I was born in Rangoon and was raised by a one-legged goat-herder who suffered from halitosis, crunchy hair, and a cough due to cold. One day while I was out helping my goat-herding legal guardian collect a couple of stray goats who were bleating and eating our neighbor's poppies (they weren't really poppies...they were carrots, but he tried to fool us so we wouldn't eat his "upside down flowers"), I happened upon a book written by Mark Tween (yes, I know it sounds the same as that other guy, but trust wasn't him) and instantly fell in love with book binding. It was beautiful.

Later when I was in high school (okay, prison, but they did teach us things), I decided I wanted to become an amateur milk I went to finishing school (where I learned to finish the folk tales I used to spin but never finish when I was a kid and an old plate of beets I refused to eat when I was eight because they reminded me of my Aunt Edna's blood boils)...and the rest, as they say, is history. Well, not the kind you'd read in a book...unless you happen to be writing a book about me, which would be pretty unlikely...unless you're my mother and someone raised you from the dead. She's not actually dead, but that's what she always screams at my brother. "You make me so mad, I wish I was DEAD!"

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