Don't Read This

Rambling...that's my middle name. I would change it, but I don't like change...unless it's jingley change. That I like. That and donuts. But not the "fat-free" kind. Those are yucky. What was I saying?

11/20/09 1:00 PM

Catnip Makes You Gay!!

Do I have the right to force my cat to share in my religious beliefs? She doesn't think so, so I thought I'd pose this question for you, dear readers. You guys always post the most uplifting comments and suggestions. Like that one commenter recently who said, "Holy shit, have you suffered recent head trauma?? What the hell is the matter with you??". I know that doesn't sound like an uplifting remark, but you gotta read between the lines, like I do. That's how I got through college. I read between the lines in all of my textbooks. That always helped me pass all of those tough exams. Not really, I flunked out of college, but that guy really supports me.

Okay, he probably doesn't support me at all, but why would I care what he thinks? I trotted over to his "blog" and found nothing but advice and links to websites about overcoming childhood trauma. Right. Like that's important. I suffered from childhood trauma and my life is just peachy. I just live by the philosophy that you should never live your life in the past. That really helps. That, and the Seroquel.  Don't judge me.

Anyway, back to my cat. I think it's important to instill good values in your pets. Otherwise they'll just ruin their lives with sin and debauchery, like my cat does. My cat recently came out as a "homosexual". It's true! She told me so herself. Okay, what she actually said was, "Meow!" but it was very butch and she was wearing that insufferable plaid flannel shirt. Not really, cats don't wear clothes, but that's part of the problem right there! Nudity only leads to one thing: SIN! And I should know, because the last time I was nude in Walmart, I got into a whole bunch of trouble. I found out later that you're not supposed to try on the underwear before you buy it, but how else can you know if it fits? Sure, I wasn't in the dressing room when I was trying it on, but they were all full. Nobody saw me or anything. Well, there was that one kid, but he didn't care. I could tell by the way he was screaming and vomiting. (Read between the lines, remember?) They also don't let you try on the bras, but that's for a different blog.

Unfortunately, I can't write anymore this morning, my cat just walked in and asked if she can change her sex like that evil Chastity Bono. Not really, but I do have to get her spayed and I can tell she's really looking forward to it, the four-legged freak. And she does have that sordid tail.

About the Author
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I was born in Rangoon and was raised by a one-legged goat-herder who suffered from halitosis, crunchy hair, and a cough due to cold. One day while I was out helping my goat-herding legal guardian collect a couple of stray goats who were bleating and eating our neighbor's poppies (they weren't really poppies...they were carrots, but he tried to fool us so we wouldn't eat his "upside down flowers"), I happened upon a book written by Mark Tween (yes, I know it sounds the same as that other guy, but trust wasn't him) and instantly fell in love with book binding. It was beautiful.

Later when I was in high school (okay, prison, but they did teach us things), I decided I wanted to become an amateur milk I went to finishing school (where I learned to finish the folk tales I used to spin but never finish when I was a kid and an old plate of beets I refused to eat when I was eight because they reminded me of my Aunt Edna's blood boils)...and the rest, as they say, is history. Well, not the kind you'd read in a book...unless you happen to be writing a book about me, which would be pretty unlikely...unless you're my mother and someone raised you from the dead. She's not actually dead, but that's what she always screams at my brother. "You make me so mad, I wish I was DEAD!"

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