Don't Read This

Rambling...that's my middle name. I would change it, but I don't like change...unless it's jingley change. That I like. That and donuts. But not the "fat-free" kind. Those are yucky. What was I saying?

sign543
11/19/09 8:57 PM

Therapy Clogs My Arteries!

So, dear readers, you will be happy to know that I've finally decided to quit smoking. And since I've never smoked, it'll be so easy. My mom is so proud of me, she said, "Oh my god, will you EVER move out!" So you can see how happy she was. Okay, that didn't sound like happiness, but you'd have to know her. Trust me on this.

So, the other day I was telling my therapist that I think I'm getting better and that my self esteem is improving. I told him that I yell positive affirmations at myself in the bathroom mirror every morning and that really helps me to start the day off with high aspirations and positive goals. Well, it wasn't my bathroom mirror, it was a mirror on display at Bed, Bath & Beyond, but any mirror will do, I think you'll agree. The manager didn't agree, though, because right after I screamed at my reflection, "YOUR PENIS IS THE PERFECT SIZE!!" he said I had to leave. I don't know what the big deal was. Well, except for that elderly woman who fainted near the bath towel display, but I can't help it if self help offends some people.

Anyway, my therapist was so proud of my efforts and progress and told me so by saying, "Would you like fries with that?" Fine, it wasn't my therapist, it was the girl at McDonald's, but she is very nurturing, let me tell you. And every time she hands me my double-quarter-pounder with cheese, I feel so much stress lift off my back. Yes, it is being re-routed to my arteries in the form of unhealthy cholesterol that will likely kill me before I'm forty, but it this your therapy? No, I don't think that it is.

Anyway, dear readers, that is all I wanted to tell you this fine, rainy day...and I'm so happy that you are here for me. You ARE here for me, aren't you?

Hello?
 

Comments (2)

  • 11/20/09 - Sign543Haha, thank you. :)
  • 11/20/09 - Judith (JUDITHEA)I like you're sense of humor. I think you'll make it.
About the Author
Contact me: sign543@delphiforums.com

I was born in Rangoon and was raised by a one-legged goat-herder who suffered from halitosis, crunchy hair, and a cough due to cold. One day while I was out helping my goat-herding legal guardian collect a couple of stray goats who were bleating and eating our neighbor's poppies (they weren't really poppies...they were carrots, but he tried to fool us so we wouldn't eat his "upside down flowers"), I happened upon a book written by Mark Tween (yes, I know it sounds the same as that other guy, but trust me...it wasn't him) and instantly fell in love with book binding. It was beautiful.

Later when I was in high school (okay, prison, but they did teach us things), I decided I wanted to become an amateur milk homogenizer...so I went to finishing school (where I learned to finish things...like the folk tales I used to spin but never finish when I was a kid and an old plate of beets I refused to eat when I was eight because they reminded me of my Aunt Edna's blood boils)...and the rest, as they say, is history. Well, not the kind you'd read in a book...unless you happen to be writing a book about me, which would be pretty unlikely...unless you're my mother and someone raised you from the dead. She's not actually dead, but that's what she always screams at my brother. "You make me so mad, I wish I was DEAD!"

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