11/19/09 8:57 PM
So, dear readers, you will be happy to know that I've finally decided to quit smoking. And since I've never smoked, it'll be so easy. My mom is so proud of me, she said, "Oh my god, will you EVER move out!" So you can see how happy she was. Okay, that didn't sound like happiness, but you'd have to know her. Trust me on this.
So, the other day I was telling my therapist that I think I'm getting better and that my self esteem is improving. I told him that I yell positive affirmations at myself in the bathroom mirror every morning and that really helps me to start the day off with high aspirations and positive goals. Well, it wasn't my bathroom mirror, it was a mirror on display at Bed, Bath & Beyond, but any mirror will do, I think you'll agree. The manager didn't agree, though, because right after I screamed at my reflection, "YOUR PENIS IS THE PERFECT SIZE!!" he said I had to leave. I don't know what the big deal was. Well, except for that elderly woman who fainted near the bath towel display, but I can't help it if self help offends some people.
Anyway, my therapist was so proud of my efforts and progress and told me so by saying, "Would you like fries with that?" Fine, it wasn't my therapist, it was the girl at McDonald's, but she is very nurturing, let me tell you. And every time she hands me my double-quarter-pounder with cheese, I feel so much stress lift off my back. Yes, it is being re-routed to my arteries in the form of unhealthy cholesterol that will likely kill me before I'm forty, but it this your therapy? No, I don't think that it is.
Anyway, dear readers, that is all I wanted to tell you this fine, rainy day...and I'm so happy that you are here for me. You ARE here for me, aren't you?