11/10/09 8:45 PM
I'm back! I know, I know, you want to know where I've been for 3 years, right? Well, I'm sure that's not all you want to know. For example, you probably want to know why Rihanna has such a big forehead. Right? Stop looking at me like that.
Anyway, where I have been is kind of a big deal. You see, dear readers, I've been off helping to feed the poor in distant third world countries. Okay, not really, but I did give a french fry to a starving kid who was sitting in a ditch once. Fine, he was sitting right beside me and he's my nephew, but he really wanted it and I couldn't resist the longing in his eyes as he said, "Give me a damn fry, asshole." He's such a cute little thing. Everyone says so. Okay, nobody says so except his parole officer. Not really. What she actually said was that if he didn't get some serious mental help, he's going to kill somebody.
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about. I got a new job! I'm a doctor! No, not really, but I did apply. And by "apply", I mean I went recently to update my immunizations. That shit hurt! I hate needles. But, I was brave. I didn't even flinch. Not even a little. Okay, maybe a little. Fine, when she stuck the needle in, I screamed, "OH MY FREAKIN' GOD, YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!", but she didn't mind. Actually, she did and told me to get the hell off her lap, but who could blame me?
I got my immunizations because I don't want that dreaded Swine Flu. I hate pork. And a sneezing pig just freaks me out. Except if the pig is a cop, but you shouldn't call them that, I found out. But, he had no right to pull me over. I know my rights. He said I wasn't allowed to vomit out of my window while I was driving. Well, could I help that I was suffering from a terrible stomach virus? Not really, I was drunk, but he didn't know that. He quickly found out when I offered him a shot of my vodka, but a high fever will make you do crazy things, am I right?
Anyway, I would type more but my 6-year-old blabber-mouth son is yelling at me from the back seat saying it's illegal to blog and drive. Like he would know. He can't even keep his diaper on straight. I would pull over and beat him, but it would take too much time to un-duct tape him from the seat. Well, somebody stole his car seat. Don't judge me.