Bruegel, Pieter The Tower of Babel 1563
We received an interesting offer for franchising in email yesterday. I'm sure you'll all be as intrigued by this opportunity as I am. For further details, including rules, regulations, and requirements and ridiculocities, read on...
I was just looking at your site, and I have a number of clients within our network looking for franchise opportunities in your area. I am seeking to work with one franchise exclusively today. I do not work as a lead broker or a referral agency.
I'm simply looking to direct my clients to a relevant site when they're looking for a franchise. Your site looks like it’ll make a strong fit for what they're looking for.
I am looking to work with somebody as soon as possible, so I'm hoping you are available to talk at sometime. Give me a call at your convenience.
Thanks in advance,
Gil Gains
714-4X3-4XX2
Good Evening, Gil,
Since you decided to spam my mailbox with your offer, sure! We'll be happy to talk to you and your client. Franchise? You bet we franchise!
But first, please be aware that because of an upcoming change in our business model (I won't say IPO out loud, but you know what I mean,) all discussions between us must remain strictly confidential. I can have my attorneys contact you at the number you left tonight, if that would be agreeable?
Once you've signed the confidentiality agreement, and we've filed it with the courts, your first pre-qualifying payment of $250,000 will be due. Once your check has cleared, we can enter the next phase of negotiations, and begin exploring the exciting world of franchising. Please recognize that Fortuna's Favor, Inc. does not negotiate with just anyone, however, and earnest offers only are entertained. You are familiar with the seminal work,
"The Importance of Being Earnest", I assume?
A pre-qualifying questionaire will be sent to you via email, please fill out and return by next Tuesday. Due to timing, I'm afraid you'll probably have to spend most of the weekend working on it. Please do not return via email, only notarized hard copies sent via U.S. Post Office, Priority Overnight Mail will be accepted.
Background checks and medical exams will be conducted during the first week of next month, and you'll be expected at that time to bring your full medical and psychiatric history, as well as your DMV record, Credit Report record, copies of any incorporation or holding records on which you are a signatory, and copies of your last 7 years of tax returns. Check with my assistant for a full list of documents that are required, as well as SEC clearance requirements.
We'll also need to see documentation from ICE that you're either an American citizen, a Canadian citizen authorized to do business in the U.S., or proof of residency in the
Greater Truffula Grove area. We do like to do business locally when possible.
If you plan on exporting our product, you must first obtain State Department authorization and certification. Additionally, if you've ever been convicted of a crime, or have any lawsuits, judgements, or indictments pending, or are a lobbying concern, we'll need clearance from the Justice Department. Ask for Form OMB 0348-0046 on the lobbying thing.
While we are an equal opportunity Irreverency Market, we like to keep things nice and tidy, and make sure that all the relevent gummint agencies are kept appraised of all of (y)our activities.
Total information awareness is so important, don't you agree?
Thank you so much for your kind offer to franchise our site. We do look forward to doing bizness wid you.
Sincerely,
Fortunalee
A bullshit free zone and barbaloot-safe environment