I’m beginning to do that thing that I hate doing but can’t seem to stop myself from doing at this time of year. I am reflecting. I am reflecting not only on the year past, but years past and some of the memories I am walking through are funny, some are weird, some are amusing and some are just down right annoying as hell.
It’s hard when one decides to take a good long look at themselves and how they have grown and matured and it’s hard when some of those past emotions are still very raw and despite time the wounds never really healed.
It’s hard when one looks to the future with promise and expectation, but at the same time feels a sort of stagnant pressure weighing on them and all one can do in that situation is take a deep cleansing breath, let it out slowly and hope that it doesn’t end up sounding too much like a melancholy sigh.
It’s no walk in the park when one must face their errors in judgment and in the end it doesn’t matter the circumstance around the error, all that seems to matter in the end is that the error is made and all one can do is hope against hope that one day the emotional context will fade to a slow amber or even better a cold dead ash and the hard thing is never quite knowing when or how that will happen, but holding out faith that it will…eventually.
I’m walking a very different course than the Once Upon A Time girl that used to inhabit this body. I’ve learned in the past few years that what I thought I wanted I didn’t really and what I thought I didn’t want I really do and I’ve learned that life has this way of smacking you upside the head when you least expect it.
I’ve also learned to count my blessings and appreciate the life I do have for if I don’t then there is no room for improvement. I have learned to love myself; all of me; the good and the bad, the perfect and the imperfections.
I’ve learned that some things in the past were my fault and some things weren’t; I’ve learned to accept my role in whatever mayhem seems to be happening at the moment and I’ve learned when the mayhem is going to happen whether or not I have an active role in it.
I’ve learned to observe and not judge, I’ve learned that it’s perfectly okay to desire and want and need and most of all wish and dream.
I’ve had dreams come true and other one’s crushed. I’ve had moments of laughter, moments of love and moments where tears were the only appropriate response to a situation whether happy or sad.
I’ve learned the condition of love and how to love without condition.
I no longer look at events and swoosh them into boxes of good and bad, I look at them for what they are and examine what I have learned from the experiences.
And when I thought that all hope was lost, someone came along and helped me to learn to trust again. You never really realize what a gift the ability to trust is until someone rips it from you and then someone else comes along and gives it back to you.
All in all I have been very blessed…