**just a little rant**
Far be it from me to have to say it, it should be something that is known, but I have a list of things that I think that I should share. Little notes, addendums and statements that I think that I will be putting together and pasting in random spots all over my house this week.
You see my husband is on vacation for a week. My children are apparently on permanent vacation and I am only three days into this “vacation” and I am already fed up. So without further ado…
1. Sweet sons…I am not the keeper of the socks. I know not where they hide. They are tricky little creatures that spawn feet of their own in the darkness and they run into hiding on purpose so that they can frustrate the hell out of you in the daylight hours. I have not seen your socks; I do not wash your socks. You do your own laundry remember?
2. Same goes for underwear by the way.
3. Husband I KNOW the van is broken down. No amount of whining, bitching or complaining is going to make it magically unbroken. There is a hole as big as my fist in the transmission and last I checked there is no transmission fairy. Get over it and on with it already. Yes we need to find a new vehicle, I understand that, but until then you either walk or take the bus. Welcome to the world of people who use their feet to take them places. We have lived in this town now for nearing ten years and I was both amused and appalled to learn that you had never been on a city bus here until yesterday. If I ever hear the words “well take the bus,” out of you again, I might just have to club you with some blunt instrument.
4. Doggies, oh sweet doggies. I love you. You are a source of never ending amusement for me and laughs a plenty but Momma really needs her feet, could you stop stepping on them please? You both weigh 100lbs plus and that hurts. Odin just keep being as sweet as you are, I love this new and cuddly side of you but Momma’s feet aren’t targets or dogs toys. Gaia, I don’t know if you and your brother planned this little game of catch Momma’s feet, but that’s enough now.
5. Eldest son… I am NOT your alarm clock. Why when the people here are running late are the first words out of their mouth “MOM YOU FORGOT TO WAKE ME!” I am not responsible to get your almost 20 year old arse up for work. YOU ARE…got it? Good.
6. Second and Fourth sons… enough with the dueling guitars! Turn them down or I am going to pull a Hendrix… on acid… at Woodstock.
7. Third son… I love you… I love your independence and your reliability. I haven’t a single complaint about you. Could you please help motivate your brother clean the space you all call a bedroom? Clothing carpets are not in fashion this year. Thanks.
8. SMASH….CRACK…BANG! Hear that? That is the sound of what I will do should I trip over one more PS2 or X BOX cord laying in the middle of the floor. I am klutz enough all on my own without help thank you very much.
9. My front step is not the community drop in center for teens. Go to the park, or to the beach or to the mall. I really could care less where you all go, but GO!
10. What do you get when you cross two drunken men and a turkey fryer? Ask me Thursday because that is when I shall have the answer. I’m pretty sure however it is going to involve a trip to the ER and a visit from the fire department.
11. Family, oh my darling family, I love you, however; dishes do not wash themselves! See that rectangular white contraption sitting next to the fridge? That’s called a dishwasher. We load it, put soap in it, hook it up and turn it on. About 40 minutes later… VOILA! Clean dishes. Why is it exactly that every morning I get up I can not see my kitchen sinks? Oh the clean dish fairy missed our house again? Guess I’ll have to leave her a note tonight then huh?
12. Oh and while were at it. When you sit on the toilet look at the wall opposite you. You will see a shiny silver contraption with a spring loaded spindle on it. That spring loaded spindle actually serves a purpose…YOU PUT TOILET PAPER ON IT! Top load or bottom load, I no longer care, just put the paper on the damned rollie thingy will ya?
13. And since we’re on the subject of bathrooms… the FLOOR is NOT the freaking towel hamper…
MOM / WIFE / WOMAN IN THE CORNER ROCKING FROM THE INSANITY…..