Well, I’ve decided to take my blog in a totally new direction! I’m going to turn it into a docu-drama. Some of you may not know this, but I’m a pretty well-respected filmmaker. It’s true! Okay, it’s not totally true. Nobody actually respects me, but I do just love that song “Respect” by Aretha Frankfurt…or Frankincense or whatever her name is. I just love to sing that song wherever I go. “Sock it to me! Sock it to me! Sock it to me! Sock it to me!” I sang that at my latest prostate exam, unfortunately, and had a lot of explaining to do. But most people say I sound just like her! Okay, only one person said it. What she actually said was, “This is a museum, so shut the hell up,” but she wasn’t fooling me one bit. I knew what she meant.
Besides, who did she think she was being so bossy? I was on a class trip and my third grade teacher was in charge of us. At that point, I really had to go to the bathroom, so I raised my hand and asked the teacher if I could go. She was really nice and let me. Okay, fine, she actually said she wasn’t my teacher and that adults weren’t allowed in the third grade and if I didn’t get away from her class she was going to call the cops. But, I still got to go to the bathroom and that’s really the point. And her class was so nice! At least I got to join them for snack time. Well, not exactly, but one girl did throw a banana at my head as I was leaving and I did get to eat the half I didn’t accidentally step and slip on.
So, anyway, I’m starting to film my docu-drama, and I have to say the footage is looking really good! I have some really good connections in Hollywood, so I was able to hire some Academy-Award winning actors. Meryl Streep is going to be in my film! Well, almost. She did agree to appear, though. Okay, I don't know Meryl Streep, but I did hire my stuffed bear, and he does sort of look like a Dingo and I do like to hold him while playing my Merle Haggard records, so you can see that’s almost the same thing. Also, I was able to get funding to buy a million-dollar camera to film with, so that was fortunate. By “funding”, I mean I broke open my piggy bank with a hammer like I used to do as a kid. Actually, it was my safety deposit box at the bank and the manager screamed at me, saying I’d have to pay for that. People can be so mean sometimes.
I couldn’t actually afford a million-dollar camera, so I bought one a bit cheaper. Okay, there was only $15.33 cents in my safety-deposit box, so I wound up using my mom’s old Polaroid camera. Don't you just love those? You snap the photo, there's a blinding light and then the picture comes shooting out the bottom. I used to pretend I was a Polaroid camera when I was a kid, but my mom said I had to stop because it wasn't pictures I was shooting out of my bottom, but we can skip that story.
Anyway, I know it's not actually a filming camera, but if you take like a hundred pictures in a row, you can piece them together and make a nice flip book that looks like a movie when you flip them really, really fast. You have to stand really still while you film each frame, though, or it doesn’t work. Also, it doesn’t work if you have to jump off your roof in the nude for a segment, which I do for my film, I’ll explain later.
The hard part is that the action only happens in the split second when I snap each photo, so I have to scream, "ACTION!!!!!!! CUT!!!!!!!!" really, really fast, so the crew doesn't get confused. Actually, the stuffed bear is my only crew member, but sometimes it seems like a whole bunch of people since he's so hard to work with. For example, he demands his own trailer, room-temperature bottled water, and will never sign autographs. Oh, the rigors of the film industry.
I just love films, though, don’t you? Not you. The girl to your left. I go to the movies all the time. Just every chance I get. I would go even more, but Circuit City said I can't bring that lawn chair back into the store and that hanging out in the electronics department, watching their television sets without buying anything is against the rules. What a stupid head. How can I know what I want to buy if I can't try it out first? I also asked that question when they were screaming at me in that toilet store. Wow, but people can be testy these days.
Anyway, I love that one film, “The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe,” When I got home from that movie, I immediately ran to my wardrobe to see if there was another land inside, behind my clothes. I was so excited! I just shoved my way all the way to the back behind the cloaks and coats and started feeling for the tree branches and the snow. I don’t actually have a wardrobe, but my suitcase worked just as good, once I squeezed myself all the way in, zipped it halfway and piled a bunch of my clothes on top of me.
I felt just like I was in the movie and I started calling out, “Aslan! I’m coming, Aslan!! Wait for me!! Wait for me!! I want to help fight the Snow Witch!!” It was a blast! Well, until the security guard at Sears showed up and ruined everything, the idiot. Fine, it wasn’t exactly “my” suitcase, but the clothes were definitely mine. I know, because I was wearing them up until I had to take them off to pile on top of me while I pushed through the wardrobe. Doesn’t work without the clothes, I think you’ll agree.
I just love to act out scenes from movies, though. Al Pacino is great, isn’t he? I just love to do that line, “Are you talking to me? Are YOU talking to ME??” Finally, the waitress at Sizzler said, “Yeah, dumbass, I’m talking to you. I asked you what you wanted to drink!” But she has no sense of humor. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea to act out a scene from The Exorcist and spit pea soup all over her when she brought me my check, but at the time, I thought she would just laugh and laugh and laugh, instead of screaming and running to the back.