From: DarkDivah (RaziCichlid)

Date: 8/22/07

As I sit here this morning, the morning sun trying to pull itself up over the horizon, I have come to a new dilemma in my life; Trying to figure out who I am.

It’s not that I don’t know who I am on the inside, I am very self assured in my personality, and the little quirks and facets that make me, me, but as I creep ever closer to having the outside match the inside, I have come to the revelation that things in my life might well be changing along with the physical. So little of what society thinks of you is based on who you are on the inside, it is, for better or worse who you appear to be on the outside that counts.

On the outside, right now as I write this, I am probably at my appearance worst, or at least when I look at myself naked in the mirror it’s the way I feel.  Inside however is a completely different story. I do not have high blood pressure, I do not have high cholesterol, I do not have diabetes; I do not have hyper-tension. My heart rate is steady and somewhere around 60 at rest, my pulse is good and I have 100% oxygen saturation. I do still have issues with allergies, but that is a life long thing.

As little as three years ago I was a sickly creature. I was chronic in my illnesses, always sick and never knowing why. I have since taken the bull by the proverbial horns and gotten my internal act together and feel so much better both physically and mentally, but I digress…

I looked in the mirror this morning and I was both pleased and quite literally disgusted at what I saw and I took that deep breath that I take every single morning and then I REALLY looked in the mirror and I had the sudden realization that I haven’t the slightest clue what to do with an outer body that will fit the inner me. Then I had me a little anxiety attack; do I know what to do with a body that fits me? Will I know the right way to dress? Will I be able to effectively thwart the fat girl mentality?

What I mean by the fat girl mentality is this;
Fluffy girls learn how to dress (or I should say most fluffy girls because I have seen some fashion disasters out there in 3X land) they learn how to dress to accentuate the positive while down-playing the negative and while I’m sure with a new body I will still have that task, where I sit this morning, I can’t imagine having a thing that I want to hide (well except for scars) after I have my reconstructive surgeries.

I find myself from time to time, wandering around in department stores, looking at clothes and wondering what it is that I am going to choose to wear after the healing. I am so very looking forward to being able to walk into the lingerie department and picking up the “pretty bras” off the rack and heading to the cash register. There is nothing more depressing than seeing all the pretty bras and knowing to not even bother because there is no way in hell that they make them in your size, but now I am venturing into “fantasy land” because before too very long I will be able to wear them. I am also venturing in to try and get some idea of what size I want to be on the other side of breast reduction. Since I know that I am going to be a double digit size no matter what. I will most likely end up in a 14 about a year post operatively, and knowing my body frame and bone structure, it is important that the TA TA’s match the frame.

I’m looking forward to a life free of intertrigo, looking forward to not being captive in the 24/7 tittie sling prison that is my life, no neck pain, no shoulder pain, no lower back pain…. And still I know that there will be those moments, especially in the first few weeks of healing when I wonder what the hell it is that I have done to my body.
Some people have wondered why I have decided to do this all of a sudden; I have spent the last few months educating those who love me to the fact that this was no fly by night choice. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would choose to go under the knife for what could end up being a 5-6 hour surgery just “because,” and I am certainly not doing it for vanity’s sake, I am very secure in who it is I am as I sit here writing today, but still, there is going to be an esthetic benefit to these surgeries and I would be lying if I said that the prospect didn’t thrill me.

Bottom line is my wondering if the changes to my outsides is going change the me that I am on the inside….

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