Dear Neighbor to the right of me (as I am facing out into my back yard)

Since only one of the two of us truly gives a shit about the barkfest and general I want to rip that dog to shreds fest that goes on between our dogs every time they are out at the same time there will be some changes in place this year.

You see I am a RESPONSIBLE pet owner and I DO care what the rest of the neighborhood thinks about the way I care for and control my animals. I love my dogs, I don’t like it when my dogs are stressed, and I don’t like it when my dogs make excessive noise. I want happy well adjusted puppies, not the maniacs that you have.

Let’s not forget that it was YOUR Kiera that started this whole thing when mine were just babies and it doesn’t matter that you’ve had her put down because she was attacking EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, she set a standard of behavior in your other dogs and you have done NOTHING whatsoever to regain control. Yes I know that your Shrek is Odin and Gaia’s sister, but trust me they don’t remember and they don’t care and my dogs are bigger and stronger because I feed them PROPERLY and they will hurt her if they have the chance.
Don’t give me that innocent look either. My son used to baby sit for you and he has advised me against ever setting foot in your household. You feed your dogs by cutting the bag of food open and throwing it on the floor. I know that’s how you used to do it on “the farm,” but you now live in a townhouse in the CITY… get a clue! HTH!

Soon the only way my dogs will have contact with your dogs is if you move your shed. My dogs will have a cordoned off area in MY yard in which to frolic and should you move your shed or the ASSHOLE you live with moves the shed to enable your dogs to harass my dogs, I will see you in court. END OF STORY.


Dear Neighbor directly behind my yard

My dogs frolicking area will be directly behind the privacy fence that you demanded installed. If we have a repeat performance of last summer’s bullshit I will see you in court too.
There is nothing that my dogs can do to you OR your yard, so stop with the tormenting them through the fence and don’t throw another fucking PEANUT in my yard because I WILL be scooping them up and tossing them back over the fence.
Stop with the goddamned water already! Yes, I know its fun to drive Gaia ape-shit because she loves the water almost too much, but I swear to all the Gods in the heavens and fishes in the sea that if you continue this little pattern this year that you will go broke from cleaning my furniture.
Just because the dog likes it doesn’t mean it’s harmless and doesn’t mean it’s good for the dog. And don’t try to tell me that you are just watering your plants there isn’t a plant on the planet earth that needs to be watered 7 million times a day, unless you are trying to see if the fence will grow? There is no reason for me to see my dogs running full length along the fence to catch the stream of water coming through the slats. If you want to be amused by a dog, buy your own and clean up after the mayhem and leave mine alone!

Dear Neighbor to the left of me (as I stand looking out into my yard)

You and I are friends, your kids are friends with a couple of my kids, you have a pool, and two dogs, and noisy pool parties, and summer teen parties, and barbeques, and all of that is cool…

BUT…

I will not put up with a trillion kids poking their noses into my yard because their parents haven’t taught them boundaries. I will not speak to other people’s children eleventy-million times about giving my dogs food. I DO NOT give them people food, I DO NOT want them to have people food. They are beautiful creatures, with healthy skin and coats. They are bang on in weight for their size, they are HEALTHY and I don’t want that fucked up because some kid gave them something that is toxic to them.
They ARE NOT just dogs, they are my fur babies and you might think that your animals are disposable and/or interchangeable; I however do not think that. I adore my dogs and I want them to be around for a long, long time.

Placing the run to their cordoned off play area near your fence is a case of me choosing the lesser of two evils, please teach the people that you allow into your back yard to respect the boundaries that is the fence between our yards.
Like I have said, I LIKE you… you are a good person who’s intentions are good, but good intentions will not stop me from erecting a privacy fence to protect the well being of my animals.

Also, would you please make sure that the kids understand the noise level thing? They are not babies, they are grades 7-9 and there is no need for them to shriek and scream at deafening levels whilst in the pool. This doesn’t bother the dogs, but it does grate the hell out of my nerves and I am not going to ask more than once before completely FREAKING OUT this year and perhaps calling in the authorities on a noise complaint.
Part of raising children is to teach them boundaries.

As well, please have your children tell their friends that my front step is not the “short cut” to your house. I don’t have my company gather on your doorstep, please don’t have yours on mine or you will QUICKLY see a fence going up there too.

Thank you to all…

Signed,
The Neighborhood Bitch.