From: Doodle (Lego_My_Ego)

Date: 2/14/09

They say you know when you are ready, so I am convincing myself, "Not yet!" The question I want to avoid is how long will I be able to sustain the decline that is happening. This week I had to have two pints replaced which I knew was in dire need. How long can something go from occasional to every time without it being wore completely out. I am referring to blood loss, BTW.

I am still ticked over the last doc incident and now I am ticked still over the same question as to why they will hear or listen to even part of anything you have to say. I asked about hyperbaric treatments to hopefully, at least, heal that lesion and stop the flow to a minimum. All I am asking is for an option. What is left on my voice mail? Zometa. Been there, done that with the only outcome is loss of tooth enamel follow with tooth/teeth. Zometa wasn't even mentioned at my onco appt and they already have a treatment scheduled. I forgot to mention that before the loss started there was terrific pain in my jaw and this onco will not prescribe the meds that hospice had me upped on. It has been my doing lowering my dose without one single doc addressing the issue of my options or going through withdraw on my own that could lead to an earlier demise. This onco would not even agree (valid but still) to simple Naprox because my platelets were low. WTF? It has never been an issue before. The low end is 150.000. Mine are currently 100, 000. Any other time, I would hear, "Not bad, Don't worry,..." I just don't get them. I believe they do not like me because none can look me in the face any more and be honest and say four of the hardest words--I do not know.

Too many want to start playing a game there are no rules too, but want to make them up as they go along.

Another side has occured along with loss of mental state and that would be agoraphobia (sp) and loss of caring for outside contact. ZI don't want to answer phone, door, but if I don't I am again non-compliant. I can't wait along with all the others that suffer from society, illness, stress-induced insomnia as a legitimate disorder and sue under ADA to where all these wonderful medical professions will have to make reasonable accomodations for ones like me and many others that just cringe at that thought of going out with the sun glaring, or just plain wore out from being sick period. I find it more tiring to have to accomodate assistance than have any at all. That my friends is pretty bad. I know I can't be alone with this thought. I feel it is when the fight turns to flight.

I want to mention again the emotional pain and how hard it is for your loved ones to feel tied to you less they are not worthy. The's all crap. Thank God, I have Him, but loved ones you don't always know the toll. Again, emotional pain. It leaves the question should one just let it all go with no intervention one way or another or continue to fight knowing they are only prolonging the inevitable extending the emotional pain?

Don't get words twisted, please. I still do not want others to say at least she is no longer... For me it would be a release to those closest. They are in pain as well.



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