Executive vice president getting a bit uppity? PR department out of control? Is your secretary more interested in changing her business cards to read "executive assistant" than in just getting the damn job done?

If so, then you need us. 

Introducing Plain Talker™, the newest service offered by the same fine folks that brought you Get A Clue U(niversity)™ and The Eleventy O'Clock News™. Ah, that would be me. And yes, I trademark everything.

Does your company engage in shameless gobbledegook and doublespeak? Do your press releases look more like an attempt to evade the issue than to actually announce anything? Is your corporate mission statement so full of b.s. (that's bullshit) that the guys in the mailroom still aren't sure what it is that you do there? If so, first of all, shame on you! Secondly, you need us to keep you from looking like an arrogant fool. We take the stuffing out of stuffed shirts!

Here at Plain Talker™, we believe that it's perfectly possible to use big words without sounding like you're too big for your britches, or like you've got your thumb stuck... ah, never mind. Let's keep it clean here.

We'll translate your corporate double-speak into language that everyone can understand. Prices start at $100 per paragraph, sarcasm is free of charge. Now that's some plain talking, isn't it?

Example of our services: In a New York Times story about the failure of Lockheed Martin to get a navy ship ready on time or on budget, Lockheed executive vice president Christopher E. Kubasik, said:

“We have acknowledged all along our shared responsibility for challenges encountered in the design and construction of the littoral combat ship, which are similar to those typically experienced with first-in-class vessels, including the competing LCS design.” Mr. Kubasik said the company was working toward “realistic cost goals for subsequent ships.”

Sounds good, huh?

But it sounds even better when we run it through our Plain Talker™ translation service:

"We admit we screwed up. The original design work was fubar'd*, and lots of the construction work had to be ripped out and redone. We'd never done one of these before, but neither had anyone else! We don't know how much it's really going to cost, but we'll let you know for the next ones."

Now, isn't that better?

We can translate your PR releases, spokesperson statements to the press, denials of wrongdoing, contracts, internal documents, policy manuals, emails, memos, and customer service replies. If you can write it in English, we can translate it into Plain Talk. Government work a specialty - ask about our special rates.

Remember, Plain Talker™ translation services start at only $100 per paragraph, and there's never any charge for sarcasm. We make stuffed shirts lose their stuffing!

*Term allowed in military translations only. Offer void where prohibited, or if we decide we don't even like you enough to take your money. Not available in Maricopa County, or Lake City, Florida. Very few words were mangled in the preparation of this announcement, though we make absolutely no promises concerning grammar, either in this statement, or in our translations. All payments are due in advance, in cash or by direct deposit to our numbered account in the Caymens. Thanks for giving us money, just to cut through your bullshit!