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From: DarkDivah (RaziCichlid)

Date: 2/14/08

I’m never sure what to title “holidayish” type blog entries. I’m one of those people who are of two minds when it comes to special days.

I love celebrating for other people, but hate being asked about the holidays when it comes to me. I have, I guess for lack of better definition, become numb to holidays that profess the love and good cheer requirements. For most of my life, I have been severely let down in this department, and so, as the story goes, I would just prefer that the whole affair slides in and out silently without too much attention being brought to light.

I think for the most part I have become wary of the expectations, I have become rather intolerant of the assumption that everyone gets everything that their little heart desires and that no one on earth is ever left wanting or wondering or feeling insignificant when it comes to holiday joy.

I also have become bitter over the “What’d you get?” question that is most often answered only by those who did receive, and is usually either avoided or becomes a source of feeling worthless or underappreciated or unloved by those who either can’t or won’t answer because they have absolutely nothing to say on the matter. In a perfect world we assume that those who don’t answer simply don’t want to share, or don’t want to appear “spoiled,” but truth be told most often the one’s who say nothing are in a world of hurt because they have not been recognized, or have not been gifted and therefore feel somewhat less than in the vein of the sharing.

There is nothing, and I do mean NOTHING that hurts more than knowing that you will, holiday after holiday, receive nothing from the people around you. There is nothing that makes one feel worse than reading list after list of how other people have been shown their worth with gifts and cards and flowers and candy, romantic dinners and the like. It leaves one thinking, “Why not me?”  While you are happy for the ones who have been gifted, there is a hole left within you, a feeling akin to loneliness, like you are not part of the clique and you sort of begin to feel like a stranger within your own skin.

And there are those who make excuses, “We’ve decided not to buy for each other this year,” or “We don’t subscribe to such commercialism,” or “We buy for the kids, but not for each other,” and while this may be true for half of those who write it, it certainly isn’t true for all and is the veil of maturity that some people wear in order to guise the hurt they feel on the inside. It’s how they hide the hurt, the envy, and yes even the shame. Who wants to tell someone, “I didn’t get anything because I’m not worth the effort?”

Who wants to tell someone, “He/she forgot?”

Who wants to take the time to explain that they are unloved, under appreciated and somewhat invisible no matter what they do for those around them?
So before you pounce on someone and ask them to fess up to the loot, stop for a minute and realize that if they want to share they will, and if they don’t share there is most likely a reason for it.

Today is the day for lovers and that’s all well and good, but for me the day holds a different type of love…Today is the day that I gave birth to my youngest seventeen years ago, but I can’t help but think of all of those in the world that are feeling less than human because they have been forgotten or left out or are completely under appreciated for all the things they do.

I just want those people, to understand that they are not alone and I am very much thinking of them this morning.


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