Fortuna's Favor Rites

Vaccines get a bad rap sometimes, most notably recently from some parents of autistic children who believe that a preservative in vaccines might be responsible for their kids' conditions. I'm neutral on that one - I don't think all the evidence is in, either way. There are always risks with vaccines, with some percentage of the population adversely, sometimes fatally, affected.  

Imagine life without them though. Imagine children still contracting polio, or epidemics of smallpox, or TB. Our parents and generations before lived through that, and no one wants to return to those days.

Not all vaccines are preventatives for life-threatening illnesses.

People 60 or older should be vaccinated with Zostavax against shingles, a painful disorder related to chickenpox, health officials said. Only 2 percent of the 43 million people at risk for shingles have been immunized... More than one million people each year develop shingles, a recurrence of dormant chickenpox virus. Anyone who had chickenpox can contract shingles.

NYT 

I know you've all seen me ridicule the Merck HPV vaccine for young women that supposedly "prevents some kinds of cervical cancer." Personally, I think it's a crock of shit - though I can't exactly tell you why I react so negatively against that particular vaccine. Well, I can, but I've already done that elsewhere.

That doesn't mean I'm anti-vaccine though. Far from it.

I believe in childhood vaccinations, vaccinations against diseases like malaria and other "traveller's diseases", etc...

And I'll tell you something - I'm all for another vaccine too - the one to prevent shingles. I'd urge everyone who's at risk to go for this one. Check it out, and rally your doctor and/or insurance company to get them to offer it.

This is one very painful disease you don't want to ever have. Really. Imagine your skin exploding from the inside out - over and over and over again. Yowsa, it hurts!

Shingles isn't a fatal disease, it isn't permanently disfiguring, though in some cases it can lead to a semi-permanent sort of localized neuralgia. Shingles is serious stuff because of the pain involved.

But you know the really bad part about shingles?

It has an incredibly stupid name.

shingles vaccine

Do you ever wonder about governmental reasoning? I do, and their powers of reason were called into question again when I read this story last night, and when my father told me the story of his vacation adventure...

LAND 'O LAKES, Fla. -- A substitute teacher in Pasco County has lost his job after being accused of wizardry.

Local6 News

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the man did a magic trick in class - making a toothpick disappear and reappear - and has now been told he can't take any more teaching assignments. It's wizardry! Actually, figuring out the logic behind this would take some real magic.

*

Last week, my father flew to Seattle for a little vacation. Upon arrival, he found he'd lost his driver's license somewhere along the way. Now, think about that for a minute - you're a couple thousand miles away from home and family, in an airport, and need to rent a car, check into a hotel, and then get back home in a few days. Without a driver's license, or any other form of picture ID.

Have you got that firmly pictured? Right - Just try and get back home without a photo ID.

Can't use your return plane ticket without an ID, can't take a train without ID, probably can't take a bus. After briefly considering moving to Seattle permanently because of his lack of a photo ID and inability to return home without one, he set about trying to find the misplaced document. Ah, good! Someone found it, and it's in the airport Lost and Found.

Though I'm not clear on the exact sequence here, it seems that in order to retrieve your photo ID from the airport Lost and Found, you need to go through the Department of Homeland Security. I guess that sort of makes sense is a governmental sort of way. TSA, Homeland Security, proof of identity, all that fuzzily warm security blanket gee-I-feel-so-safe-now-stuff. And you thought all Lost and Founds were staffed by pimply-faced teenagers or little old ladies in woolen caps and argyle sweaters!

Ok, so you need to contact Homeland Security.

Go look them up in your phone book. No, not online, I mean in the real phone book you've got shoved in the drawer in the kitchen. Pretend you're in a phone booth, or sitting on your hotel room bed - no computer, no internet access, just an old fashioned phone and a phone book.

Go ahead - look - I'll wait.

.

.

That's right. The Department of Homeland Security isn't listed. Not in the Seattle phone book, not here, and I'll bet not where you are either.

Despite the continuous exhortations for all Americans to be on the alert, and to report your neighbor for planting Lite Brites signs on highway overpasses or tourists photographing the local ballpark, you cannot look the Department of Homeland Security up in the flipping phone book. See something suspicious? Ha! Tell it to your mother. (Oh wait... she's in Seattle with Dad, with no ID...)

Now, to be honest, the CIA isn't in the phone book either, but how often do you really need to call the CIA? I saw a Russian spy! Naw... it's kinda lost its punch, ya know?

Personally, I'm going to take all my terrorist-reporting activities to the FBI. They may not get it right all the time, and they may miss a few, but at least they're in the phone book.

homeland security tsa identification seattle lite brites

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

Tessa, my son's cat, has always been small. So small that you'd think she was a miniature cat - if there even is such a thing. She's short in stature and in length, no more than six inches tall, and about that long without her tail, which is a great fluffy affair.

She's skittish when people walk too near her, though not really afraid. She'll run down into the basement at the smallest provocation, as if she thinks you'll step on her. In the last year, she's turned into quite the little butterball, rounding out nicely in her adulthood. She's all of two and a half years old, but she looks the eternal kitten because of her really fluffy fur and her small size.

She's also a great cuddler. She loves to jump up onto the desk while I'm at the computer, "walk up" my chest, and insist on being held. She loves kisses, and will rub against my chin over and over again to get them. She's very careful of the keyboard, and never ever steps on it.

Tessa just jumped up on my desk and cuddled for a second or two, then ran off. Typical. Sometimes she just likes to remind me that she's here, or to say good morning. Good morning, Tessa!

The problem is, she went with my son a month ago, when he moved out.

He didn't move far, maybe a mile or a mile and a half away, but it is on the other side of a very busy 4 lane arterial street.

Yes, I thought I must be imagining things, after all, it's early, and maybe I was still asleep (even though I knew I wasn't.) I turned on lights, and went into the kitchen, and there she was. I picked her up again, cuddled a second, then she ran off, probably to the basement where she can hide from Max, the other cat. Max is easily four times her size, and is an uber alpha cat.

I know some cats are attached to places, rather than people. I had a feeling she was going to be one of that kind, because when she was very little, she was missing for 3 days during a huge snowstorm. I think now someone took her at the beginning of the storm, and that she escaped and made her way home. She was very bedraggled. Muddy and wet, but unharmed. That was when she was just a few months old.

She's lost a lot of weight - he told me she hadn't been eating well. She didn't like that he'd bought a different brand of food, and I don't think she liked living in a house with two other cats and a dog. Even though Max has always bullied her, I guess it was scarier living there, than it is here. The devil you know, etc.

Apparently she decided she didn't want to change domiciles... but how am I going to tell my son that his cat is a true house cat?

It's going to break his heart.

Executive vice president getting a bit uppity? PR department out of control? Is your secretary more interested in changing her business cards to read "executive assistant" than in just getting the damn job done?

If so, then you need us. 

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Does your company engage in shameless gobbledegook and doublespeak? Do your press releases look more like an attempt to evade the issue than to actually announce anything? Is your corporate mission statement so full of b.s. (that's bullshit) that the guys in the mailroom still aren't sure what it is that you do there? If so, first of all, shame on you! Secondly, you need us to keep you from looking like an arrogant fool. We take the stuffing out of stuffed shirts!

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“We have acknowledged all along our shared responsibility for challenges encountered in the design and construction of the littoral combat ship, which are similar to those typically experienced with first-in-class vessels, including the competing LCS design.” Mr. Kubasik said the company was working toward “realistic cost goals for subsequent ships.”

Sounds good, huh?

But it sounds even better when we run it through our Plain Talker™ translation service:

"We admit we screwed up. The original design work was fubar'd*, and lots of the construction work had to be ripped out and redone. We'd never done one of these before, but neither had anyone else! We don't know how much it's really going to cost, but we'll let you know for the next ones."

Now, isn't that better?

We can translate your PR releases, spokesperson statements to the press, denials of wrongdoing, contracts, internal documents, policy manuals, emails, memos, and customer service replies. If you can write it in English, we can translate it into Plain Talk. Government work a specialty - ask about our special rates.

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*Term allowed in military translations only. Offer void where prohibited, or if we decide we don't even like you enough to take your money. Not available in Maricopa County, or Lake City, Florida. Very few words were mangled in the preparation of this announcement, though we make absolutely no promises concerning grammar, either in this statement, or in our translations. All payments are due in advance, in cash or by direct deposit to our numbered account in the Caymens. Thanks for giving us money, just to cut through your bullshit!

plain talker

Oh, those troublesome women! Just agitating, and sueing away, and demanding things like equal pay! Tsk, tsk, right John?

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — Republican Sen. John McCain, campaigning through poverty-stricken cities and towns, said Wednesday he opposes a Senate bill that seeks equal pay for women because it would lead to more lawsuits...

"I am all in favor of pay equity for women, but this kind of legislation, as is typical of what's being proposed by my friends on the other side of the aisle, opens us up to lawsuits for all kinds of problems," the expected GOP presidential nominee told reporters. "This is government playing a much, much greater role in the business of a private enterprise system."

AP

Senate Republicans killed the bill Wednesday night on a 56-42 vote, which denied the opportunity for a full debate and vote. Senators Clinton and Obama returned to Washington to vote for the measure, McCain didn't bother showing up. Not that even a full debate and vote would have done any good, with Bush already declaring he'd veto the measure.

Hey John, thanks for being all for us women. We really appreciate your support. And gosh, you're right - we should just leave government out of business affairs all together. How about we start with getting rid of the Small Business Administration (SBA) and OSHA? Let's get rid of the Office of Economic Development too, and while we're at it, how about the Americans With Disabilities Act and the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission (EEOC)? Heck, let's just do away with the entire Department of Commerce!

Yer right, John, private enterprise should mean just that - private. What businesses do, pay, or say to their workers really isn't anyone's business, and we poor little workers shouldn't squawk about things that would upset our bosses. Heaven forbid that we should sue them, and open up all kinds of problems for them! After all, they were nice enough to let us come work for them, and isn't the acceptance of that paycheck - regardless of its equality - a silent contract on our parts to accept what we've been given?

Oh, but we do appreciate you letting us vote, John.

Really.

We won't worry our pretty little heads about all that money stuff anymore, k? 

equal pay

So, if you're a woman whose received less pay for the same work as a man, you have 180 days from when the discrimination originally occured to file a complaint, or you can just shut up about it. Even if the discrimination is ongoing to this day. Didn't know about the unequal pay until after the original discrimination date? Tough shit.

As Senate leaders yesterday observed Equal Pay Day, the White House threatened to veto a bill that would make it easier for victims of discrimination to sue their employers over unequal pay.

The measure, which is scheduled for a vote today in the Senate, aims to reverse a controversial Supreme Court decision from last spring. That ruling held that Lilly Ledbetter, the lone female supervisor at an Alabama tire plant, could not sue her employer over unequal pay because the alleged discrimination that cut her wages occurred years before she filed a complaint.

Washington Post

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 requires that a suit be filed within 180 days after an unlawful employment practice occurs. Kinda hard to file a suit if you don't know about the difference in pay in those first 180 days, isn't it? Do you know what your co-workers make? I don't, and I've been at the same place for 18 years. In fact, company policy is that you do not discuss your wages with others.

Lilly Ledbetter lost her suit in the Supreme Court last year. Congress, seeking to plug the hole in the law that allowed the Supreme Court to rule the time limit started from the original date of discrimination, wrote a reasonable piece of legislation that would set the time clock back and reticking every time the discrimination occured, or each time a new discriminatory paycheck was issued. A new illegal act, that is. President Bush has said he'll veto the legislation.

Blank that.

This sets a new precedent in slime. All an employer has to do, is get away with breaking the law for the first 180 days, and he's home free. He can continue to pay women less for the same job year after year, illegal paycheck after illegal paycheck, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

Oh yeah. We're making progress all right.

Photo credit: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, originally uploaded by Gatochy.

 

U.S. telecommunications giant AT&T has claimed that, without investment, the Internet's current network architecture will reach the limits of its capacity by 2010.

Speaking at a Westminster eForum on Web 2.0 this week in London, Jim Cicconi, vice president of legislative affairs for AT&T, warned that the current systems that constitute the Internet will not be able to cope with the increasing amounts of video and user-generated content being uploaded.

C/Net News

Oh Nos!

Doom and gloom! Infest! Er.... I mean, invest! Give us more money, or we'll start restricting your bandwidth and traffic, is more like it.

I have confidence in the technical abilities of world-wide geekdom to ensure that the tubes won't get blocked, the interwebs will not get full up, the pipes will stay roto-rooted clean, and the poor ISP's will ::sigh:: find that money somewhere, without levying extra charges on us.

Yep. Call me an optimist.

Then run. ;)

I listened to the Charlie Rose show on PBS last night while I was in bed. It was a discussion between New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Rose.

I was floored, to be honest. It was one of the most intelligent discussions/interviews I've ever heard. Bloomberg and Schwarzenegger are totally in synch, and are about as outspoken about the federal government/Bush administration failing us as you can imagine, on health care, environmental issues, global warming, immigration and more. The one area where I completely disagreed with them, was on education: both said that the No Child Left Behind initiative was a hugely successful program.

But the thing is, they don't just whine about it (like I do!) they say, "Ok, if you won't help us fix this, we'll do it ourselves."

And that's exactly what they do, or are trying to do. Where the federal government won't step up, such as with the Kyoto Treaty, local governments need to. California has had to sue the feds into letting them set their own emissions standards, and has won every court case they've brought. Schwarzenegger was particularly scornful of Bush's latest "plan" to begin to reduce greenhouse gasses by 2025.

Very impressed, me. (For all that I still think that Arnold's a neanderthal in many areas.)

The video is now available, and it's well-worth an hour of your time.

Bloomberg Schwarzenegger Charlie Rose PBS

Years ago, sometime after they last emerged from bankruptcy, Frontier Airlines (62 planes, 12 million passengers annually, flies to 60 U.S. cities, Mexico, Canada and Costa Rica,) introduced photographs of western animals on their airplane tail fins. Commercials have depicted the animals talking to each other while at the gate - it's been a fun and entertaining ad campaign. As ad campaigns go, of course. The animals go from silly to sarcastic, and even bicker with each other about who gets to fly to Hawaii.

Yesterday, Frontier Airlines was forced into bankruptcy again by their bank substantially increasing the hold back of their credit card receipts. Not unheard of, but given other recent airline bankruptcies, a sort of insult to Frontier, which claims it's not in the same class or position as the airlines that have gone under.

Check out this conversation between the tail fin animals at The Denver Post.com. It begins....

“Hey, Stu. I’m going over to First Data Corp. to rip CEO Michael Capellas a new one.” (Grizzly bear)

“Why is that, Griz?” (Cottontail rabbit)

“He forced us into bankruptcy today.” (Grizzly bear)

“He’s so mean. He ruined Compaq Computer, too.” (Red fox cubs)

.... (more with pictures at the link)

Too bad it's just in the DP blogger's imagination. I would dearly love to see Frontier actually produce this scenario and air it!

frontier airlines bankrupcy

EX - CBS announced today that it's considering outsourcing its news gathering operations to cable news giant CNN. The move follows word from a secret internal CBS news document that reports that the network hasn't really been gathering any news since half-way through Dan Rather's tenure. News gathering actually began slacking off within 5 years of Walter Cronkite's departure, our source revealed. "Heck, we haven't been gathering news much recently anyway, so why keep up the front any longer?" remarked CBS sources high in the organization. "We don't even have to think about gathering news anymore. Between government-approved news releases telling us what's what, cable to tell us which parts are important, and morning talk shows telling us what to think about it, it's already all being taken care of anyway."

Current lead news anchor Katie Couric, who was brought in to attract new viewers to CBS's evening news broadcast had no comment, and - not surprisingly - no news. "I'm just so happy to be here," she twinkled.

"It will be a great move for us all," said an anonymous spokesman we contacted, who has no known affiliation with either CBS or CNN. "Who doesn't want 24 minutes of news a day consisting of alternating 3-1/2 minute blocks of inveterate boor Glen Beck, eternal suck-up Larry King, and that happy harpy of the airwaves, Nancy Grace? Right wing politics, on-air coffee klatches and whitebaby kidnappings all the time! How could the news get any better? Oh - and we'll have to throw in a flood or a tornado every once in a while. That always gets people's juices going!"

The move follows a series of similar moves taken by the U.S. government and private industry in recent years, outsourcing such things as the Justice Department to the RIAA, the Army to security firm Blackwater and mega-planner Haliburton, and mid and upper-level management government positions and White House email to the Republican Party.

"Outsourcing is the wave of the future. Heck, it's the wave of the present," said an anonymous government source, who did not want to be named because he was not authorized to speak on behalf of much of anyone. "No one does things themselves anymore. Heck, we don't even guard our own borders. We've outsourced that to Boeing and the Arizona Rancher's Local 583."

"See, the really great thing about outsourcing is this," he continued, "plausible deniability. You're not responsible! All you have to do if something goes wrong, like if you forget to announce that a big meteor's on the way and is about to impact New York City, is deny responsibility for the oversight! Then you fire a few guys in the mail room, hold a press conference with a suitably grave-looking suit, and you're good to go. If there's a congressional hearing over it, send in your lawyers and the CEO, and no one will ever hear about it again. Those guys have so many "oversight" hearings, no one even pays attention anymore."

Following the news of the CBS news outsourcing, a flurry of other outsourcing announcements followed, including Albertsons agreeing to outsource all its groceries to King Soopers, Nokia outsourced its cell phone business to Apple's iPhone, and North Dakota signed an agreement to outsource the entire state to South Dakota. "We really weren't using it much anyway," remarked Governor Hoeven.

©2008 The Eleventy O'Clock News™ - where nothing is real, but we're never outsourced, either.

satire cbs outsourcing news