Based on the book, here is my take on remedies suggested:
F - FLATULENCE
You didn't think I'd let you off that easily did you? How could I not include the cousin to Constipation and Diarreha?
Or maybe you might recognize the following from a list of 'hundreds' of scientific terms:
*Fart
*Pass wind
*Pass gas
*Cut the cheese
*Silent but deadly
*Poot
*Toot
*Rip
*Crop dusting (That's what my grandmother, Ancient Ranger did when she walked around in her apartment. She sounded like a Evenrude outboard motor and could drop me and all my cousins in one fell swoop.)
As a bit of history, my friend Hippocrates studied flatulence due to Orion's habit of creating new stars with his gas. Physicians who studied the phenomena were called "pneumatists" which is difficult to define but the base of the word is "pneuma" or the "vehicle for sensation."
As you can see, the base word is not "vehicle for gas," but "sensation" which probably stems from one feeling a sensation when said gas is eliminated. This goddess offers that the sensation is one's butt cheeks vibrating against each other as the gas escapes. I believe the scientific term is "ass-raspberry."
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE, LACTOSE - We mentioned Lactose in another post as the evil, psycho bitch whom you've dated and dumped and who takes her revenge out on your ass. Literally. If you're eating every dairy product known to man and know the location of every toilet in the tri-state area, you might want to consider cutting back.
IT'S CALLED CRUCIFEROUS FOR A REASON - Some vegetables are out to get you. They've been texting Lactose, I think. Cruciferous vegetables belong to the Cabbage crime family and can make you feel as if your very intestines are about to explode.
Cruciferous, i.e. "tending to crucify" as in, "Man, those radishes are cruciferous when John eats them. His gas is deadly!" (Ranger definition (c) 2012)
It's best to avoid these vegetables if you notice them cranking up methane tanks.
As a public service to promote cleaner air, here's a short-list of cruciferous vegetables:
Broccoli
Cabbage
Kale
Collard Greens
Brussels Sprouts (are they from Brussels? If so, we should consider sanctions.)
Cauliflower
Bok Choy
Gai Lan or Kai Lan (Chinese broccoli)
Radishes
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DAMNED IF YOU DO, CRAMMED IF YOU DON'T - Here's something interesting: We all need fiber, right? The fiber is necessary so we don't get plugged up. Butt (yes, I said it) fiber can cause flatulence, so go slowly with those fiber-rich fruits and vegetables until your guts are more welcoming.
JUST DON'T TRY TO LIGHT THEM - Charcoal. No, Vern, not the briquettes for your barbecue grill. Activated charcoal in tablet form can help you with your gas problem.
AS ALWAYS DEAR MORTALS, CHECK WITH YOUR PHYSICIANS BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING, PLEASE?